Change in Direction

Can I tell you a secret?

I feel like my faith journey has flatlined. I keep checking the pulse, but I am barely hanging on.

It's not like it is completely out of the blue.

I believe it started when I moved back home last summer after my spring semester at college finished, and I started working with my father doing marketing. But it really came to a tipping point during my semester studying abroad.

I grew up with a strong practicing Catholic family. I've been baptized, had first communion, first confession, and I've gotten confirmed. I went to all of my religious ed classes, been on and led amazing retreats.

When I started college, I wanted to be more involved in the church. So I took the initiative. I made my self go to mass every Sunday. I joined the choir because I had been doing choir with my father for the past four years. I started going to daily mass as much as possible. I went to as many events as I could and made amazing friends.

Summer in between freshman and sophomore year I lived and worked  in a national park. I was lucky to make it to mass once a week because there simply wasn't a community and my schedule changed every week. I was able to find God in nature, which was extremely valuable to me.

My second year of college was a bit different. I had a demanding job and harder classes, so I couldn't do as much as I could. Or when I did have free time I wanted to lounge at my apartment and watch movies with my roommates. I still went to church, participated in the choir, and even gave a talk about gratitude during the spring retreat. It was about seeing God in every situation and seeing his influences all around you.

The summer between sophomore and junior year was the first of what I like to call a transitional period. A weird in between time going from the end of a part of my life into a new chapter where nothing progresses. I keep noticing them and it's bizarre. My summer was very scheduled. I had a couple of weddings and trips, but I mainly did the same thing every day. Get up, go to daily mass with my parents(free ride to work), work 9-5, dinner, sleep. All of my Catholic pals either didn't come home for summer, or we hadn't talked in so long that we mutually didn't make the effort to spend time together.

Then I began my study abroad semester in Ireland. Amazingly enough my roommate and future study abroad best friend turned out to be Catholic as well! We always went to mass together. However, I did miss one day the weekend I traveled to Germany to visit my sister for her birthday and we missed a couple weekends when we were traveling around Ireland.

I would love to say that I tried just as hard to get involved in the community in Ireland as I did back at my home university, but that is a lie. I went to the coffee after mass probably once, maybe twice? I never went to any of their events. I can count the number of times I went to daily mass on one hand.

I would also love to say that it was culture shock that drove me away. I do think that part of it was that the community was much different than my home university church. I chose to put it in the back of my mind because I was trying to figure out how I fit into the world as a whole and not in their specific community. That worked for me, while I was there.

It's not working anymore.

I lost my focus. I feel like I am trying harder than I ever have to get back to the place I was before I feel into the ritual and the routine. I have been mindlessly talking to God without reason or purpose. My prayers are in shambles. I started praying every night back in high school because I didn't want to give up sweets for lent and it led to a fantastic relationship with God. I still pray every night out of habit, but there's no substance. Coming back to the masses in the states, I am able to understand God's message through the homilies a bit better, but my mind still wonders off to the cute baby or the next assignment due or whether or not the cute boy across the room winked at me or if he just had an eye spasm.

I feel like I need to write this out because people assume that I am this deeply religious person. I am not. Honestly, I don't feel an ounce of holiness in me. I feel empty half the time and the other half I completely forget that God has helped me every single day and I go on living and laughing with my friends.

Everyone's faith journey is different. I am working on bring it back up, even if I don't get back up to the same place I was before. It is probably impossible anyway because I have changed- in ways I don't even know how to quantify or realize.

When I was little, I associated someone's faith or holiness with the amount of time they spent in the church or praying. Freshman year I met a God loving woman who went to church everyday and was always talking in depth with the priest. Two years later, she never comes to church. Anytime someone brings her up, people get a confused sadness on their face. In high school one of my best friends stopped going to church because her pastor died. Instead, she made her own time to reflect and live God's word.

So really neither of those stories help me. I think it is going to have to come from me being more persistent. What will also be a big help will be my friends. I am trying to spend more time at my church building the relationship with my friends there; hopefully, some of their holiness will rub off on me.

God throws obstacles in your way. Fact. But he also knows that you are able to overcome them, learn, and become a better person. Fact.

Since moving back to my university, I have had a wonderful time seeing all of my fabulous friends again. But it has been a rough couple of weeks.

Culture shock coming from Europe to the US. My sister going through a miscarriage. My other sister having weird health problems. My other other sister losing her position in her company and not knowing if she will get offered a different position. Possibly losing my internship. Possibly having to take summer classes. Not getting the job I interviewed for and not hearing back from other companies regarding my application. Figuring out how I fit back into society because I'm not the same puzzle piece that I was when I left.

I broke down yesterday, and called my mother in tears.

What's worse (thinking back) is that she gave me advice that I always give my friends. "Everything is going to be fine. It's rough when things don't work out the way you think they will. God will put you where he wants you."