In the past couple of months, I have realized that I have been comparing my faith to others. Often thinking that what I am doing is wrong in some way.
I have friends who carry around the daily readings, retell their recent trip to adoration or confession, and have all of the songs from the Christian radio station memorized.
I'll find myself thinking, "Oh- I'm not THAT religious," or "I can't see God in every little speck of dust under my fingernail, so I must be a bad Catholic." So I'll try to impress them by what I do.
I went to daily mass at the Cathedral the other day. I prayed like three novenas at once a few weeks back. I've been to most of the Theology on Tap nights this summer. Guys, I have so many pins on my Catholic Pinterest board that I will probably have to separate it into two soon. Jeesh, that choir practice last night went so well- Sunday is going to rock!
Growing up my family was an average Catholic family. We went to mass every Sunday and holy days, my dad has always been a music leader, and my siblings and I always partook in the youth group activities. I really only went to the youth activities because it was the only time I could hang out with my Catholic friends. So I didn't learn much about my faith or pay attention. Since I grew up in a predominantly Mormon town, I never really talked about my faith to anyone other than to my Catholic friends, but we didn't meet up too often.
For the first two and a half years of college, faith continued to be a very personal journey. I switched from being in it for social reasons into actually wanting to learn and grow in my faith to help guide me in my life. I went from mass several times a week, went on retreats, became the club photographer, events officer, and now president.
I still get that feeling that it's not good enough. I know for a fact that there are things I need to improve that are doable. However, I can't help but think my faith will never be enough.
Like I only found out about the perpetual adoration chapel at the Cathedral a couple of months ago, and have only gone a couple of times. I don't even have a preset to the popular Christian station because I can't stand the way the hosts talk. I haven't been writing love letters to my future spouse since I could hold a pencil. I don't have all of the bible verses or Veggie Tales skits memorized. I don't get huge signs from God that tell me to move cities or date someone. I get nervous talking to someone who isn't Catholic about my faith.
What really is terrible is that I want to be able to do all of those things. I want to be that person who is so strong in her faith that no one could even make me second guess myself for a second. I want to be that Jackie Francois who when catcalled by a car of guys at a stoplight yells at them that she loves Jesus.
But I'm not. I haven't been broken in some way or had trouble in my life. I'm just not that girl. I am flawed and imperfect. Sometimes I feel that if I do say something to my Catholic friends about religion that I might get it wrong or that they'll judge me for whatever reason (even though they are way to nice to do that). Sometimes I do have doubts about religion (which are usually quickly cleared up).
In a majority of my classes, my professors find a way to touch back on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs where the bottom needs have to be satisfied before any another needs can be met. It starts out with basic needs: food, water, shelter, safety. Then it gets into needs for relationships, the needs for friends and sense of accomplishment. The last part of self actualization is interesting because it pretty much goes into spiritually( or at least I think it does). One of my professors mentioned that it is the only need that does top out- there is no limit on this level. You can eat as much as you want, but you get full and stop. There is no skill points bar measuring your prayers or the amount of gusto in your singing. You can just keep growing in this aspect for your entire life.
Religion isn't one size fits all-just like life. God made everyone different with diverse talents, hopes, and yearnings. So not all prayers are going to change your life, some may even put you to sleep. I may not see God in every minute of the day, but it doesn't mean that he hasn't influenced the way I live my life.
I shouldn't be comparing my faith to others, but instead learning from them and trying out to see if it will work for me and not get discouraged when it doesn't. What is important is that I am working on growing my faith, but in my own way.
