Love Letter to my Catholic Friends

With Valentine's around the corner, I thought I would share my love of some of the most amazing people that I love and who are important to me!

**Of course not all of these are exclusive to just my Catholic friends!**

I have met so many amazing people starting my first day at college, and I have continued to have new friends come into my life since. I don't think I say it enough, but I love each and every one of them for who they are. Each one of them is such a light in my life. I love how unique they all are in their sense of humor, taste in movies, passions, dreams, and thoughts. 

My Catholic friends have taught me so many things, so I wanted to share some things because I am so grateful to have them in my life! 

They have taught me that you don't have to know everything. I have always been ashamed of how little I knew about my faith and religion. My Mormon friends could quote any book of the bible and they knew their faith inside and out. When I started college, I assumed my Catholic friends were the same way because they always had an interesting remark on a theological question. It took me going to bible study and to finally accept that I had a weakness for me to realize that I don’t have to know everything. One of my friends asked me to do a rosary with her in the fall, and we fumbled over some of the mysteries because neither of us were sure of what they were. I learned that no one is an expert. The important thing is that we are continually learning.

It's okay to be broken. You don’t have to happy and put together all of the time. I did the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises in the fall, and several of my friends opened up about dealing with depression and how it is hard for them to love themselves all the time. They were so raw and open. Sometimes I have days were I don’t feel good about myself. My friends are always uplifting and make me forget about my problems. I have gone through some bad times in the past, and I had friends reach out and make sure that I was all right.

My Catholic friends have taught me that you don't have to be serious all of the time. I have always been in love of the idea of growing up and going to college. People would be mature and all of my problems would be solved. However, being serious all the time is not very fun. I was called the mom of my friend group from freshman to junior year of college. I was always three steps ahead of any decisions and worried about spontaneity. The last summer before my senior year, I decided to stay in my college town and hang out with my friends. All summer I threw ‘caution to the wind,’ as the young folk say. I remember going to the Farmers’ Market with a couple of my friends, and we spoke in a British accent the whole time. Another time I went on a sunrise hike that turned into an eight-hour adventure where we made a silly nature video and had the best time scaling up rocks and searching for trails.

You can be strong when you're scared. I have learned through many trials that I am more likely to fly than fight. A group of girls and I were finishing up setting up for Halloween late at night. We heard a knocking on the back door of the building. We thought someone was playing a prank on us, so we ignored it. The knocking kept happening. I decided that we should go upstairs and call one of our other friends to check on our situation. Before that happened, the other girls rushed into the kitchen to grab huge knives and go towards the back door. When we were upstairs, we got the okay to come downstairs and then we learned that the culprit was one of our friends who had gotten locked out. I admire the courage and fearlessness of my friends. They inspire me to be able to act courageously.

My Catholic friends taught me that community matters. When I started college, I decided to take on my faith by myself and make sure that I was remaining Catholic because I believed it and not because my friends were doing it. So I remained a part of the Catholic community, but I didn’t spend a lot of time with the community there aside from masses. The last couple of years, I really feel in love with the amazing people at church who have become some of my best friends. My Catholic friends have opened my eyes and helped me grow in my faith and as a person. They push me to be the best version of myself, even if it sucks sometimes. This community has always been there in the rough times, and there to celebrate in the good times.

Love Radiates. In my business capstone class, we did a visualization exercise where you go along your path of life and at the end of it your future self is supposed to give you advice. What I came up with was to lead with love. Love is so critically important in everything you do. Once you start living your life through love, it changes how you go about everything. I have met the most beautiful people through my church involvement. Love literally radiates out of them and infects everyone they come into contact with. You can tell that they are so deep in their faith that they are able to see Christ in every person they come into contact with. It seems like they are able to look into your soul and see you for who you are. A child of God.


Other people can actually help you grow in your faith. My friends, mentors, and spiritual directors have helped me try out different ways of prayer to grow my faith. I was never formally taught how to pray other than the main prayers we are taught in masses (either that or I just never remembered). I'm a cradle Catholic, so it is assumed that you are born with this great ability to pray. The way I prayed for years was like a letter to God, very unstructured and it would usually turn into me rambling on about my day to God. It's not like that is terrible- at least I was trying- but learning about different types of prayer has taken my faith up to the next step and have a better relationship with God.   I love learning how my friends create a relationship with God and how they are able to best connect with Him through different kinds of prayer. Some of my friends love praise and worship music. Some talk with Him as an old friend or father. Some love praying the rosary or novenas. I am still trying to figure out how I should pray because there are several different things that I like to do, but it is actually pretty difficult. My friends help encourage me, and my spiritual director definitely helps keep me on track.

I have learned that adoration by yourself is the best. I never would have done this without one of my friend’s influence. My friend mentioned going to the little adoration chapel in the cathedral once, and I got this ache in my heart to go. It is truly amazing to just sit in the presence of God by yourself and get absorbed in awe. That journey ended with me buzzing around the outside of the cathedral trying to find the place and having to talk to some stranger and then eventually the priest to get into the chapel. I ended up sitting in the chapel for a while trying to get used to it, then a gentleman came in-gave me an odd look- and opened the tabernacle because I didn't even know it opened. 

A coffee date does wonders. My Catholic friends have always been strong advocates for going and getting coffee. In high school, my Catholic friends would have a weekly get together and catch up with what was going on in everyone’s lives because we lived all around the city. Now I go on coffee dates with my friends to take a break from the hectic life of studying to actually see how each other are doing. I have had some amazing conversations and really developed my relationships with my friends in little coffee shops. Life gets busy with school, jobs, projects, and club involvements, so it is good to take a breather and be able to focus on building relationships.

‘There is something here.' I met up with a new friend, who isn't Catholic, in the chapel on campus once. He disclosed to me his life journey and how he was searching for something more. He got to talking about why he had been going to the chapel the prior couple of weeks. He said that there was something there (while looking at the tabernacle) in the Catholic church that he hadn’t noticed in other faiths. This comment really struck me for whatever reason. It made me fall in love with my Catholic faith even more!

The universe is happening inside of each person. I went on a silent retreat and my spiritual director, who is an old friend, told this to me on the last day of the retreat. He said that was one of the reasons he really liked doing spiritual direction because he was able to look inside of someone’s universe and see what is happening inside. I think it was very beautifully put and helped me gain perspective on just interacting with people in general. We get so hung up inside ourselves. The problems in our lives are the most important thing and nothing else matters. However, other people have their own problems that influence everything they do as well. This has helped me realize the importance of listening to others because what they talk about is important to them and they want to share those things with you.

I was talking to one of my friends the other day, and we remarked how there is a different type of bond with your friends who share your faith. Like they understand a deeper part of yourself. I know that no matter what happens or where God takes us, these friends will always have a special part in my heart.

Thank you to my friends who are a part of my life! I am so grateful that you are a part of my journey and that I am able to take part in your journey.

I Do Faith Like Me

In the past couple of months, I have realized that I have been comparing my faith to others. Often thinking that what I am doing is wrong in some way.

I have friends who carry around the daily readings, retell their recent trip to adoration or confession, and have all of the songs from the Christian radio station memorized.

I'll find myself thinking, "Oh- I'm not THAT religious," or "I can't see God in every little speck of dust under my fingernail, so I must be a bad Catholic." So I'll try to impress them by what I do.

I went to daily mass at the Cathedral the other day. I prayed like three novenas at once a few weeks back. I've been to most of the Theology on Tap nights this summer. Guys, I have so many pins on my Catholic Pinterest board that I will probably have to separate it into two soon. Jeesh, that choir practice last night went so well- Sunday is going to rock! 

Growing up my family was an average Catholic family. We went to mass every Sunday and holy days, my dad has always been a music leader, and my siblings and I always partook in the youth group activities. I really only went to the youth activities because it was the only time I could hang out with my Catholic friends. So I didn't learn much about my faith or pay attention. Since I grew up in a predominantly Mormon town, I never really talked about my faith to anyone other than to my Catholic friends, but we didn't meet up too often.

For the first two and a half years of college, faith continued to be a very personal journey. I switched from being in it for social reasons into actually wanting to learn and grow in my faith to help guide me in my life. I went from mass several times a week, went on retreats, became the club photographer, events officer, and now president.

I still get that feeling that it's not good enough. I know for a fact that there are things I need to improve that are doable. However, I can't help but think my faith will never be enough.

Like I only found out about the perpetual adoration chapel at the Cathedral a couple of months ago, and have only gone a couple of times. I don't even have a preset to the popular Christian station because I can't stand the way the hosts talk. I haven't been writing love letters to my future spouse since I could hold a pencil. I don't have all of the bible verses or Veggie Tales skits memorized. I don't get huge signs from God that tell me to move cities or date someone. I get nervous talking to someone who isn't Catholic about my faith.

What really is terrible is that I want to be able to do all of those things. I want to be that person who is so strong in her faith that no one could even make me second guess myself for a second. I want to be that Jackie Francois who when catcalled by a car of guys at a stoplight yells at them that she loves Jesus.

But I'm not. I haven't been broken in some way or had trouble in my life. I'm just not that girl. I am flawed and imperfect. Sometimes I feel that if I do say something to my Catholic friends about religion that I might get it wrong or that they'll judge me for whatever reason (even though they are way to nice to do that). Sometimes I do have doubts about religion (which are usually quickly cleared up).

In a majority of my classes, my professors find a way to touch back on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs where the bottom needs have to be satisfied before any another needs can be met. It starts out with basic needs: food, water, shelter, safety. Then it gets into needs for relationships, the needs for friends and sense of accomplishment. The last part of self actualization is interesting because it pretty much goes into spiritually( or at least I think it does). One of my professors mentioned that it  is the only need that does top out- there is no limit on this level. You can eat as much as you want, but you get full and stop. There is no skill points bar measuring your prayers or the amount of gusto in your singing. You can just keep growing in this aspect for your entire life.

Religion isn't one size fits all-just like life. God made everyone different with diverse talents, hopes, and yearnings. So not all prayers are going to change your life, some may even put you to sleep. I may not see God in every minute of the day, but it doesn't mean that he hasn't influenced the way I live my life.

I shouldn't be comparing my faith to others, but instead learning from them and trying out to see if it will work for me and not get discouraged when it doesn't. What is important is that I am working on growing my faith, but in my own way.

Involved

Since I have been feeling so distance from the church and God, I made the decision weeks ago that I would try to be more active in church/St. Paul's in general.

I have been spending time between classes and working out there. I go to the student campus minister meetings(even though I don't really contribute much). I still do choir, but I've been doing that pretty much since I started college. I joined a bible study. I feel like I am there so much! Which I think has been a good thing.

Yesterday I went to go pray in the chapel for a little bit. I've never done that before on my own or when there isn't an actual adoration or mass going on. I spent the first five minutes getting over the awkwardness of that. It's not that it's awkward, but I feel silly because I've never done it before. I wasn't even planning on doing it. I had a meeting with my career advisor about internships and graduate school, and I felt like I needed some one on one time with Jesus to sort through everything without the distractions at my apartment.

I feel like I was able to talk through everything even though a couple musicians came in after a bit to go over Ash Wednesday music.

For the first time since probably last spring- I feel like I am finally back to where I was spiritually. I feel confident and ready to take on whatever comes my way!

However, I know that I can't stop here. Spirituality isn't a skill that gets topped off at a peak. It keeps on going up! There are so many amazing people to aspire to. Some of whom are in my parish :)

Little more of a life update:

I am super busy these next couple of weeks! I have Service Saturday where I'm going to be a site leader over at the Good Samaritan House. Then an hour after that I am helping out at the Capstone Crab Feast where the proceeds go towards our orphanage in Tijuana, Mexico. On Tuesday, I am manning the photo booth for our Mardi Gras party! On Ash Wednesday, I am going to be photographing out 8 AM mass. I also have two exams to study for this week, bleh. Finance and Organizational Behavior!

For Valentine's weekend I get a romantic weekend back home at my high school best friend's wedding. I'm spending a day with my sister's family in Pocatello. On that Saturday is the wedding- She's Mormon, so it will be a sealing ceremony that I can't attend, and then pictures and a luncheon! Oh and I'm a bridesmaid :) I might be coming back up either Sunday morning or evening. It really depends on how my parents are doing.

Guard

Acts 2:7: Are not all these people who are speaking Galileans?
Acts 2:13: But others said, scoffing, "They have had too much new wine. "

I went to my first official bible study on Wednesday night. We were reading the second chapter of the Acts of the Apostles. The Apostles are going out and spreading the Good News and are able to communicate to people from all different backgrounds and nationalities in their native language. People gather and are amazed. This helps create the first Christian community.

We have a Jesuit Novice leading our group and he asked us how we would react to the situation if we were there. He told us that the Galileans weren't known for being the 'best and brightest', so having intellects from there was unfamiliar. Going around the circle, the first half said that they probably would have followed the Apostles. The second half remained silent and our novice pushed us to answer and I was the first to respond.

I said that I would have been hesitant. I would have been amazed by the miracle of tongues, and may have been intrigued to learn more about what they had to say. But I would have been really guarded about accepting their message. I probably would have been one of the people saying that they had too much wine.

The guy next to me said something along the same lines of me, and wrapped up the meeting.

I realized that is my approach to religion now. I am guarded. I'm scared about acceptance. I am very proud of identifying as Catholic. I grew up in a Mormon city, and everyone was surprised when they found out I was Catholic.  I'm scared about acceptance inside the church. I have many good friends at church, but I feel like I don't know a whole lot about my faith. I'm afraid that when people do find that out that they will judge me? I felt like there was always a higher standard that I just couldn't meet.

When I was taking religious ed classes through middle school and high school- none of that information ever stuck. I was in it more for the social aspect of it anyway. All of my friends and I were what I like to think of as the 'popular Catholics' (this was never established, but we were always helping out, leading retreats, etc). The majority of them went to Catholic school for elementary school, so it was engrained in their memory. The rest of them had extremely religious parents that personally engrained it in their kids memory. I never went to Catholic school. My parents are super religious, but they never pushed my siblings and I to be. I am grateful because I could have resented them for and that may have pushed me away from religion entirely. But it does kind of suck not to know every single detail about the bible and the catechism. Sometimes I feel like I'm a fraud or a terrible Catholic.

I was talking to one of my best friends(She's Catholic) today about coming to a Mardi Gras party that our church is putting on in a little over a week. She's more of a Christmas/Easter Catholic, but I still try to invite her to events that are going on. So I told her about it and she almost instantly said, No.

I went on to ask her why and she said she wasn't THAT Catholic. I told her that we won't be discussing theology, and it's really just an excuse to party. She told me exactly my fear. She isn't very knowledgable in our faith. I was about to confide in her that is my fear as well, but our yoga class started. And I completely forgot about it after class started.

I feel like I do put up a pretty great front though. I go to mass every Sunday- heck I even sing in the choir every week. I am one of the student campus ministers, and I go to a fancy meeting once a week. I've been spending time in the Catholic center library studying in between classes. I go to daily mass every once in a while.

I've also been thinking of this in terms of someone like my friend who won't even visit our church because they "aren't very knowledgable".

Perhaps I am even missing the point.

Maybe church should been viewed more as a school. Christians started schooling anyway right?

The problem is that I have been a really shit student. I've been going to class, but I've been day dreaming and not studying for the tests. Hmm part of that metaphor may have been lost.

The reason I am so guarded is that I haven't learned enough to be 100% confident in my choice. Participation can only go so far.


Hopefully that makes a little bit of sense?

-Eva