One Year Anniversary!

Happy one year anniversary to my dearest colon!!
🎊🎉🎉

I figured I would celebrate because you know that old saying about loving your enemies!....You know...Since my colon basically attacks itself...yeah...I laughed.....



It has been a year since I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis.

It's weird how something that was once so shocking is now just a part of me like my nose.

I remember sitting in the hospital bed when the doctor came in and gave me my diagnosis. It was the second time I had been in the hospital that week. Earlier I was in for a CT scan because I had intense abdominal pain in addition to a lot of other gross symptoms. They sent me home and told me to schedule a colonoscopy ASAP. I did and the symptoms didn't get any better, so my mom took me back to the hospital where I was officially admitted.

The doctor came in, said something about test results, and that I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. Then my ears turned off.

Wait.

There's something wrong with me?

"It's a chronic illness....treatments..."

Wait. 

Ulcerative Colitis?

My mom mentioned that she has a friend of a friend who has Crohn's. "Thank God it's not Crohn's!"

Wait. 

How?

"There's no known cause..."

Wait. 

I remember saying Ulcerative Colitis over and over again in my mind for days.

You know when you say a word over and over again and it loses all meaning and it just starts to sound like a weird made up noise?

This was the opposite.

These two words that I had never heard of before were now attached to me. Forever.

Ulcerative Colitis.

I couldn't bear to look into the details on the pamphlets they gave me while I was in the hospital, so I opted to finding memes. I needed something to stop my urge to cry out.

Some of my favorites where:

-They say always to "trust your gut". Have you met my gut? You don't want to trust that bastard.
-Yes? Hello. I'd like a refund on my body. It's kind of defective and really expensive.
-I'm too busy fighting my own immune system to deal with your judgmental BS.

While I was in the hospital, I felt like my Ulcerative Colitis defined me. Which is fair. I was an IBD (inflammatory bowel disease) flare patient on a post surgery recovery floor. It defined my treatment. It defined my diet. It was defining how people treated me.

Talk about a hostile takeover.

Women in my IBD support groups say that a flare is much more painful than childbirth to put it into perspective. I was in my flare starting about mid-April through July in 2017. (Thankfully, I was started on pain meds in June).

It feels weird to say that I'm in a good place about it now because it has been such a long road. Recovery was hard for several months. Treatment and medications were difficult as well. I actually lost a lot of hair for the first three months because the chemo treatment was really hard on my body. It finally started growing back around October, so that's been fun. I have had two haircuts since then and each time I have gotten the same hairdresser. She likes to point out how much it has grown.

I've really been able to come to terms with my Ulcerative Colitis. I accept it as a part of myself, but I am not defining myself by my illness. I like being able to contribute to my support groups and give people advice about going into a colonoscopy or starting Remicaid (the chemo) for the first time. I try not to let my thoughts only pertain to my IBD.

That doesn't mean it still doesn't freak me out sometimes. I've had countless nights where I've cried myself to sleep about it because I could have a flare happen at anytime really. I'm on meds that are supposed to keep me in remission, but UC affects everyone differently. And the meds could stop working at anytime. That's one of the reasons the nurses check up on me so often while I am getting my Remicaid infusions. They have to see if I am developing any new symptoms. Even when I got my February infusion, my veins in my left arm started aching, so I had to get a hot pack tied to my arm.

I was officially in remission since the beginning of last December, but it still affects me. I have to keep taking my immunosuppressants. I have to keep going to my Remicaid infusions once every two months. I have to be mindful of what I eat and what alcohol I drink. I still get worried every time I get period cramps because those aches remind me of my flare. I actual started having another flare a couple of weeks ago. Which has led to me going back to the low residue diet I was on last summer(basically no fruits or veggies).

It's weird because we always knew it was a matter of when than if. It's interesting that it has come around at this time because I've been drafting this post for a couple of months actually, so I had been mulling about what I wish I would have known or if I could go back and tell myself something. "You're going to be okay" seemed too lame and cliche. Any remarks about what I would accomplish within the next year wouldn't have helped me at all. I decided that I wish I would have told myself. " You are stronger than you know."



I try to stay updated on research and articles to try to understand what my body is doing and how my Ulcerative Colitis works. I also read articles about new medicines that are coming onto the market and different research that is looking into the possible causes of IBD (the latest I saw was a chemical that was commonly used in hand sanitizer up until 2016). It is interesting how my worldwide has expanded. I never really knew or heard about chronic illnesses or chronic pain or truly understood autoimmune diseases until last year. It's a whole different subculture of experiences that a surprising amount of people go through everyday.

I'm slowly working on building awareness of Crohn's and Colitis with my friends and family. When I do this, I am not looking for sympathy or to gain attention to myself. I am trying to bring to light issues that most people don't know about or are too ashamed of to have a conversation about it. 

As hard as this past year has been, I really wouldn't change it. I've learned who my true friends are, and I have gotten closer to my family. I have an amazing job and coworkers. I have met a bunch of new people. I gotten closer to Christ and helped lead others closer to him as well. I really can't complain. We all have our own crosses we carry through our lives. Ulcerative Colitis is just one of mine. 

2017

2017 was quite the rollercoaster of a year.

I graduated from Boise State University in May with my BBA in Marketing with Distinguished Honors from the Honor's College. I was also recognized as the Outstanding Marketing Graduate from the College of Business and Economics.

Shortly after I graduated, I was admitted to the hospital for two weeks where I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, which is an autoimmune disease that currently doesn't have a cure. I found out at the beginning of December that I currently don't have any active disease, which is the best thing I could have hoped for!

I started working at Westside Pizza this fall as the new Marketing Director. So I get to take a lot of photos of pizza and play a lot of darts with my bosses.

My family grew by two more members this year! My sister Gabby had a son, Elliott, in April, and my sister Bizz had a son, Beckett, in August. Gabby asked me to be Elliott's Godmother, and he was baptized in October! Also my best friend, Claire, had her first son a couple months ago!

I think it has been a great year.

I am thankful for everything that has happened. I think I am even the most thankful for my chronic illness even though it has been a difficult journey. It has helped show me who and what is important in my life. I know that my friends truly care about my well being. My friends and family mean the world to me because they make me forget about my illness and let me be a normal person. I also know that they are able to help be when I have to get another infusion or write me a funny card when I have to get a colonoscopy. I don't know how they do it, but when I am going through a rough time, they are able to make a little joke about it and makes me realize yet again how thankful I am to have people in my life who try to make me smile if even for a moment.

So, thank you for every smile and joke and laugh. These are the moments I live for.

Thank you for continuing to push me to be the best version of myself.
Thank you for believing in my potential.
Thank you for pulling me out of my problems and into a tea party.
Thank you for the nights that turned into mornings.
Thank you for the road trips and sing a longs.
Thank you for teaching me how to dance, to skateboard, and to do a magic trick.
Thank you for the nights spent sitting on the kitchen counters laughing.
Thank you for taking the time to listen and be there for me during the difficult moments.
Thank you for bringing peace when there was so much chaos.
Thank you for investing time no matter how much or how little.
Thank you for reaching out when I forget or get to caught up in my own world.
Thank you for believing in me.
Thank you for helping me realize that work isn't everything, and it's good to get out of my office and play a couple games of darts.
Thank you for all of the new babies because that means I get to love more amazing people!
Thank you for choosing me to be a Godmother to my adorable nephew.
Thank you for smashing pumpkins and going on random errands with me.
Thank you for surprising me and being able to catch up after many years.
Thank you for the silly Snapchats.
Thank you for taking the time to visit me!
Thank you for your music.
Thank you for the study sessions and late night party planning.
Thank you for the flowers and notes.
Thank you for the happy hours, movie nights, and game tournaments.
Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for turning me down from the market research position because I love my job!
Thank you for the 'safe space' talks.
Thank you for giving up time to make sure that I'm healthy.
Thank you for trusting my crazy, insane, fun ideas.
Thank you for your vulnerability.
Thank you for the warm hugs and even the awkward hugs.
Thank you for being my partner in crime.
Thank you for being there to celebrate my successes.
Thank you for the bike rides, runs. and star gazing.
Thank you for helping me make our house a home.
Thank you for sharing a part of your world with me.

Thank you to all of my amazing friends and family that have been a part of my life this past year! I am so grateful for each and every one of you! I know that 2018 is going to be a great year since I have you all.

Focus on What Matters

I'm on my fourth go around with the First Spiritual Exercises by St. Ignatius. This time I am doing the Inner Peace in Friendship with Jesus retreat. In this retreat in daily life, he has you pray with objects to deepen your relationship and heighten your prayer experience. Today we had to pray with a bowl of dirt. 

I grabbed a plant in my house because it is cold and I didn't want to get dirt from outside. As I was doing the blessing, I remembered that my brother gave me this mini rose bush while I was in the hospital. I remembered how disconnected I was from the outside world and how I would try to glean as much information from my friends and family who came to visit. Even if it was just the weather outside since I couldn't even see through a window. 

It reminded me of the importance of being an active participate in life. To be out in nature. To spend time with friends and family. To use the gifts God has given me. To spend my days making other people happy. 

The last couple of months I have noticed that when I am talking with someone, even just for a little while, I am completely checked in or at least more often. Ultimately, my job doesn't matter or how much time I spend working out or how well I can bake. 

Relationships are what matter. 

God created a lot of things, but man has always been his best work-Especially woman because he finally stopped creating ;)- God even came down and became man because he loved us so much. So why wouldn't you want to spend time listening to people and discussing their life/experiences/hardships. Each person on this planet is a reflection of God. Even if you don't get along with them or if they don't share the same beliefs or if they are an energy vampire and a complete bore to talk to. 

God has you-and them- here for a reason. There is a reason each and every day. 

Growing up, I always heard, "Jesus died for me." In my mind, I made it self centered. I focused on the ME. He cares about ME. He loves ME. A couple of weeks ago at mass I had the revelation that Jesus didn't just die for me. He died for you. And the homeless man in the park. And the girl who called you a slut. He died for all of us. He died for all of our sins because he loves each and every one of us.  

Finding Out You Have a Chronic Illness

Update!! I gave a speech about this at a Holy Grounds for FirePit Ministry in 2017!

Here is a link to that talk: https://soundcloud.com/firepit-ministry/working-through-the-numbness-a-story-of-awakening-1

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“God doesn’t give the hardest battles to His toughest soldiers, He creates the toughest soldiers through life’s hardest battles.”

A month into my first summer after graduating college, I ended up in the hospital for two weeks. There I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, which is an autoimmune disease, and had a massive flare up that caused my entire colon to be inflamed.

Throughout our lives we have all gone through different trials and hardships that we have to overcome. Now, I am a very optimistic person. So usually when I am going through something hard, I am trying to figure out some kind of silver lining and learn something from the experience.

Usually people are more prone to turn to God in bad times. This was true when I first started having symptoms. I kept on praying through the difficult moments such as having to cancel plans because I was in so much pain and when I had to cut down my pride and ask my mom to come help when I simply couldn't bear it alone anymore.

When I was in the hospital, I felt so broken and dehumanized (only made slightly more bearable when I got visits from family and friends). It was hard to accept that it was possible for this to happen. It was even harder to accept that there really isn't anything that caused this disease. Ulcerative Colitis just shows up, and researchers aren't concerned with how people get it. Right now they are trying to figure out how to cure it because the only 'cure' they currently have is to remove the colon.

I have never felt so distant from God at this time. All I can use to describe the experience is numbing. I mentally didn’t want to accept that I had this disease. I physically couldn’t do anything but lay in the hospital bed for the first week, so my days were spent staring at the wall and trying to keep track of the influx of nurses, CNAs, doctors, nurse practitioners, and dietitians. My amazing mother was there with me during the days, but she was so anxious about what was going on with me that we didn’t talk that much. I was so shocked by what was going on that I simply didn’t know what to do with God.

I knew that this was just a hurdle that I had to get over and I knew that God was going to help me get through it. I kept this up for the first week even though it was a rough week. I had constant pain in my abdomen, which was about twenty times worse than period cramps. I remember asking the nurse for a heating pad, but apparently they are hard to come by in the hospital. Instead my amazing nurse came back with about twenty heat packs(little pouches you break and magically create heat), and I ended up using all of them in the entire section of the hospital I was in.Week two was more difficult because I ended up needing to get a nutritional pic line in my arm instead of just the IV fluids, and every day the doctors changed the day I was supposed to go home.

My prayer every night would start off with "Thank you for today." However, I would get upset over my current situation and my prayer would falter out. We are called to love and praise God in all circumstances, but I have never been through something like this before. It's hard to be grateful when you find out that you have chronic disease that came out of nowhere. And I’m human. It’s impossible to be joyful all the time. In the bible, Jesus was sweating blood in the Garden of Gethsemane before his crucifixion and during the crucifixion he cries out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

“No healthy Christian ever chooses suffering, he chooses God’s will, as Jesus did, whether it means suffering or not.”

God isn’t demanding that you happily praise him from the rooftops- he is calling for your faith and trust.

After two of the longest weeks of my life, I was finally discharged from the hospital.

I was extremely weak (I lost twenty pounds), and my mind was still numb from the whole ordeal. I caught myself staring at the wall too many times to count. I was put on a low residue diet (pretty much no nuts, veggies, fruits. Healthy foods can now be trigger foods that cause flares) and we figured out that my flare made me lactose intolerant, which lasted for about a month and a half.

I continued to be upset with God even though I read a lot of inspirational religious quotes on Pinterest. Throughout this time, my mom and I would talk about where we were spiritually (we were both in rough spots). So of course she went and bought a Christian movie during a grocery trip. **Side note- I don’t like Christian movies because they are very hokey and are not well done** I put off watching it for days and instead went through several seasons of Modern Family. Eventually, I could tell my mom was tired of it and wasn’t interesting in watching any action movies(we went through all the rom coms in the hospital), so we watched this movie. The Shack.

In this movie, this man’s daughter is murdered, which causes him to question everything he believes. He gets a letter to go to the place where she was killed, and he encounters the trinity. His frustration and struggle with God hit the nail on the head on where I was at. I’d have to watch it again to pick out exactly the amazing responses they had about going trials and why they happen and how God is with us through it all. Like dang. If you are ever mad at God- watch The Shack! (and have tissues nearby) Something just clicked in my mind after watching this movie and I felt like I was finally able to process everything clearly and move forward in accepting my ‘new normal’.

I realized that even though I felt distant from God, he continued to shower his love on me every day I was in the hospital. For whatever reason, I expected some kind of grand gesture from God and forgot that he works through people. One of my favorite things in the entire world is flowers. I got so many flowers from my amazing friends and family throughout my stay that we couldn't fit them on the counter anymore! I had friends come in and visit me, and my best friends were constantly messaging me to help keep up my spirits. On my worst day, I got a call from one of my aunts in California, and the hospital therapy dog came to visit.

Since I've been out of the hospital and finally felt like I was getting my mind back, I was finally able to process what happened and try to learn something from it. This is what I've gleaned so far:

1. I realized that I really dislike making people sad. Telling someone that you are sick and in the hospital is not something anyone should have to go through. I have always tried to live with the belief that no one should leave you feeling unhappy.  
2. Nurses are such a blessing, and I am grateful for them on a whole new level! 
3. Change is a fact of life, but how you react is what matters.

There were a lot of things that helped me during my recovery from the hospital such as listening to Father Mike Schmitz talks, finding other people with autoimmune diseases, and being able to be back in the world through simple tasks such as going to mass or grocery shopping or riding my bike.

Now, I am taking medication that is supposed to help, and I am getting a form of chemo every two months to make my body stop attacking itself. It seems to be working so far, and I haven't had any major symptoms in months! If you really want to know more about the other aspects of UC, I have attached a couple of videos below that helped me process what it is. However, no two UC cases are similar, so the symptoms/flares vary from person to person.

I don't know why I got this disease, and I may never fully understand. I do know that I am surrounded by amazing friends and family who love and care about me. I know that God never abandons you when you are suffering or distressed.

I will leave you with a quick story by Mary Stevenson that I have on one of my prayer journals.

"One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints. Other times there was one set of footprints. This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints. So I said to the Lord, "You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, You would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed You most, You have not been there for me?" The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I carried you."

Love Letter to my Catholic Friends

With Valentine's around the corner, I thought I would share my love of some of the most amazing people that I love and who are important to me!

**Of course not all of these are exclusive to just my Catholic friends!**

I have met so many amazing people starting my first day at college, and I have continued to have new friends come into my life since. I don't think I say it enough, but I love each and every one of them for who they are. Each one of them is such a light in my life. I love how unique they all are in their sense of humor, taste in movies, passions, dreams, and thoughts. 

My Catholic friends have taught me so many things, so I wanted to share some things because I am so grateful to have them in my life! 

They have taught me that you don't have to know everything. I have always been ashamed of how little I knew about my faith and religion. My Mormon friends could quote any book of the bible and they knew their faith inside and out. When I started college, I assumed my Catholic friends were the same way because they always had an interesting remark on a theological question. It took me going to bible study and to finally accept that I had a weakness for me to realize that I don’t have to know everything. One of my friends asked me to do a rosary with her in the fall, and we fumbled over some of the mysteries because neither of us were sure of what they were. I learned that no one is an expert. The important thing is that we are continually learning.

It's okay to be broken. You don’t have to happy and put together all of the time. I did the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises in the fall, and several of my friends opened up about dealing with depression and how it is hard for them to love themselves all the time. They were so raw and open. Sometimes I have days were I don’t feel good about myself. My friends are always uplifting and make me forget about my problems. I have gone through some bad times in the past, and I had friends reach out and make sure that I was all right.

My Catholic friends have taught me that you don't have to be serious all of the time. I have always been in love of the idea of growing up and going to college. People would be mature and all of my problems would be solved. However, being serious all the time is not very fun. I was called the mom of my friend group from freshman to junior year of college. I was always three steps ahead of any decisions and worried about spontaneity. The last summer before my senior year, I decided to stay in my college town and hang out with my friends. All summer I threw ‘caution to the wind,’ as the young folk say. I remember going to the Farmers’ Market with a couple of my friends, and we spoke in a British accent the whole time. Another time I went on a sunrise hike that turned into an eight-hour adventure where we made a silly nature video and had the best time scaling up rocks and searching for trails.

You can be strong when you're scared. I have learned through many trials that I am more likely to fly than fight. A group of girls and I were finishing up setting up for Halloween late at night. We heard a knocking on the back door of the building. We thought someone was playing a prank on us, so we ignored it. The knocking kept happening. I decided that we should go upstairs and call one of our other friends to check on our situation. Before that happened, the other girls rushed into the kitchen to grab huge knives and go towards the back door. When we were upstairs, we got the okay to come downstairs and then we learned that the culprit was one of our friends who had gotten locked out. I admire the courage and fearlessness of my friends. They inspire me to be able to act courageously.

My Catholic friends taught me that community matters. When I started college, I decided to take on my faith by myself and make sure that I was remaining Catholic because I believed it and not because my friends were doing it. So I remained a part of the Catholic community, but I didn’t spend a lot of time with the community there aside from masses. The last couple of years, I really feel in love with the amazing people at church who have become some of my best friends. My Catholic friends have opened my eyes and helped me grow in my faith and as a person. They push me to be the best version of myself, even if it sucks sometimes. This community has always been there in the rough times, and there to celebrate in the good times.

Love Radiates. In my business capstone class, we did a visualization exercise where you go along your path of life and at the end of it your future self is supposed to give you advice. What I came up with was to lead with love. Love is so critically important in everything you do. Once you start living your life through love, it changes how you go about everything. I have met the most beautiful people through my church involvement. Love literally radiates out of them and infects everyone they come into contact with. You can tell that they are so deep in their faith that they are able to see Christ in every person they come into contact with. It seems like they are able to look into your soul and see you for who you are. A child of God.


Other people can actually help you grow in your faith. My friends, mentors, and spiritual directors have helped me try out different ways of prayer to grow my faith. I was never formally taught how to pray other than the main prayers we are taught in masses (either that or I just never remembered). I'm a cradle Catholic, so it is assumed that you are born with this great ability to pray. The way I prayed for years was like a letter to God, very unstructured and it would usually turn into me rambling on about my day to God. It's not like that is terrible- at least I was trying- but learning about different types of prayer has taken my faith up to the next step and have a better relationship with God.   I love learning how my friends create a relationship with God and how they are able to best connect with Him through different kinds of prayer. Some of my friends love praise and worship music. Some talk with Him as an old friend or father. Some love praying the rosary or novenas. I am still trying to figure out how I should pray because there are several different things that I like to do, but it is actually pretty difficult. My friends help encourage me, and my spiritual director definitely helps keep me on track.

I have learned that adoration by yourself is the best. I never would have done this without one of my friend’s influence. My friend mentioned going to the little adoration chapel in the cathedral once, and I got this ache in my heart to go. It is truly amazing to just sit in the presence of God by yourself and get absorbed in awe. That journey ended with me buzzing around the outside of the cathedral trying to find the place and having to talk to some stranger and then eventually the priest to get into the chapel. I ended up sitting in the chapel for a while trying to get used to it, then a gentleman came in-gave me an odd look- and opened the tabernacle because I didn't even know it opened. 

A coffee date does wonders. My Catholic friends have always been strong advocates for going and getting coffee. In high school, my Catholic friends would have a weekly get together and catch up with what was going on in everyone’s lives because we lived all around the city. Now I go on coffee dates with my friends to take a break from the hectic life of studying to actually see how each other are doing. I have had some amazing conversations and really developed my relationships with my friends in little coffee shops. Life gets busy with school, jobs, projects, and club involvements, so it is good to take a breather and be able to focus on building relationships.

‘There is something here.' I met up with a new friend, who isn't Catholic, in the chapel on campus once. He disclosed to me his life journey and how he was searching for something more. He got to talking about why he had been going to the chapel the prior couple of weeks. He said that there was something there (while looking at the tabernacle) in the Catholic church that he hadn’t noticed in other faiths. This comment really struck me for whatever reason. It made me fall in love with my Catholic faith even more!

The universe is happening inside of each person. I went on a silent retreat and my spiritual director, who is an old friend, told this to me on the last day of the retreat. He said that was one of the reasons he really liked doing spiritual direction because he was able to look inside of someone’s universe and see what is happening inside. I think it was very beautifully put and helped me gain perspective on just interacting with people in general. We get so hung up inside ourselves. The problems in our lives are the most important thing and nothing else matters. However, other people have their own problems that influence everything they do as well. This has helped me realize the importance of listening to others because what they talk about is important to them and they want to share those things with you.

I was talking to one of my friends the other day, and we remarked how there is a different type of bond with your friends who share your faith. Like they understand a deeper part of yourself. I know that no matter what happens or where God takes us, these friends will always have a special part in my heart.

Thank you to my friends who are a part of my life! I am so grateful that you are a part of my journey and that I am able to take part in your journey.

I Do Faith Like Me

In the past couple of months, I have realized that I have been comparing my faith to others. Often thinking that what I am doing is wrong in some way.

I have friends who carry around the daily readings, retell their recent trip to adoration or confession, and have all of the songs from the Christian radio station memorized.

I'll find myself thinking, "Oh- I'm not THAT religious," or "I can't see God in every little speck of dust under my fingernail, so I must be a bad Catholic." So I'll try to impress them by what I do.

I went to daily mass at the Cathedral the other day. I prayed like three novenas at once a few weeks back. I've been to most of the Theology on Tap nights this summer. Guys, I have so many pins on my Catholic Pinterest board that I will probably have to separate it into two soon. Jeesh, that choir practice last night went so well- Sunday is going to rock! 

Growing up my family was an average Catholic family. We went to mass every Sunday and holy days, my dad has always been a music leader, and my siblings and I always partook in the youth group activities. I really only went to the youth activities because it was the only time I could hang out with my Catholic friends. So I didn't learn much about my faith or pay attention. Since I grew up in a predominantly Mormon town, I never really talked about my faith to anyone other than to my Catholic friends, but we didn't meet up too often.

For the first two and a half years of college, faith continued to be a very personal journey. I switched from being in it for social reasons into actually wanting to learn and grow in my faith to help guide me in my life. I went from mass several times a week, went on retreats, became the club photographer, events officer, and now president.

I still get that feeling that it's not good enough. I know for a fact that there are things I need to improve that are doable. However, I can't help but think my faith will never be enough.

Like I only found out about the perpetual adoration chapel at the Cathedral a couple of months ago, and have only gone a couple of times. I don't even have a preset to the popular Christian station because I can't stand the way the hosts talk. I haven't been writing love letters to my future spouse since I could hold a pencil. I don't have all of the bible verses or Veggie Tales skits memorized. I don't get huge signs from God that tell me to move cities or date someone. I get nervous talking to someone who isn't Catholic about my faith.

What really is terrible is that I want to be able to do all of those things. I want to be that person who is so strong in her faith that no one could even make me second guess myself for a second. I want to be that Jackie Francois who when catcalled by a car of guys at a stoplight yells at them that she loves Jesus.

But I'm not. I haven't been broken in some way or had trouble in my life. I'm just not that girl. I am flawed and imperfect. Sometimes I feel that if I do say something to my Catholic friends about religion that I might get it wrong or that they'll judge me for whatever reason (even though they are way to nice to do that). Sometimes I do have doubts about religion (which are usually quickly cleared up).

In a majority of my classes, my professors find a way to touch back on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs where the bottom needs have to be satisfied before any another needs can be met. It starts out with basic needs: food, water, shelter, safety. Then it gets into needs for relationships, the needs for friends and sense of accomplishment. The last part of self actualization is interesting because it pretty much goes into spiritually( or at least I think it does). One of my professors mentioned that it  is the only need that does top out- there is no limit on this level. You can eat as much as you want, but you get full and stop. There is no skill points bar measuring your prayers or the amount of gusto in your singing. You can just keep growing in this aspect for your entire life.

Religion isn't one size fits all-just like life. God made everyone different with diverse talents, hopes, and yearnings. So not all prayers are going to change your life, some may even put you to sleep. I may not see God in every minute of the day, but it doesn't mean that he hasn't influenced the way I live my life.

I shouldn't be comparing my faith to others, but instead learning from them and trying out to see if it will work for me and not get discouraged when it doesn't. What is important is that I am working on growing my faith, but in my own way.

Involved

Since I have been feeling so distance from the church and God, I made the decision weeks ago that I would try to be more active in church/St. Paul's in general.

I have been spending time between classes and working out there. I go to the student campus minister meetings(even though I don't really contribute much). I still do choir, but I've been doing that pretty much since I started college. I joined a bible study. I feel like I am there so much! Which I think has been a good thing.

Yesterday I went to go pray in the chapel for a little bit. I've never done that before on my own or when there isn't an actual adoration or mass going on. I spent the first five minutes getting over the awkwardness of that. It's not that it's awkward, but I feel silly because I've never done it before. I wasn't even planning on doing it. I had a meeting with my career advisor about internships and graduate school, and I felt like I needed some one on one time with Jesus to sort through everything without the distractions at my apartment.

I feel like I was able to talk through everything even though a couple musicians came in after a bit to go over Ash Wednesday music.

For the first time since probably last spring- I feel like I am finally back to where I was spiritually. I feel confident and ready to take on whatever comes my way!

However, I know that I can't stop here. Spirituality isn't a skill that gets topped off at a peak. It keeps on going up! There are so many amazing people to aspire to. Some of whom are in my parish :)

Little more of a life update:

I am super busy these next couple of weeks! I have Service Saturday where I'm going to be a site leader over at the Good Samaritan House. Then an hour after that I am helping out at the Capstone Crab Feast where the proceeds go towards our orphanage in Tijuana, Mexico. On Tuesday, I am manning the photo booth for our Mardi Gras party! On Ash Wednesday, I am going to be photographing out 8 AM mass. I also have two exams to study for this week, bleh. Finance and Organizational Behavior!

For Valentine's weekend I get a romantic weekend back home at my high school best friend's wedding. I'm spending a day with my sister's family in Pocatello. On that Saturday is the wedding- She's Mormon, so it will be a sealing ceremony that I can't attend, and then pictures and a luncheon! Oh and I'm a bridesmaid :) I might be coming back up either Sunday morning or evening. It really depends on how my parents are doing.