Today, I finished writing in the last page of my journal. This is the first journal I have ever fully completed.
Prominently on the front of my journal is the phrase, "Adventure Awaits". Oh boy. When I started this journal, I had no idea what adventures awaited me in the coming two and a half years.
I got this journal with the intention of filling it with all of my study abroad escapades. The castles to be discovered- the languages learned- the people I met. Of course, I do have all of my Irish adventures nicely chronicled. However, that semester in a foreign land only took up half of my notebook. It wasn't until seven months later when I would pick up writing in this journal for a different reason.
I started writing on August 29, 2015. I remember finally arriving at my sister's flat in Oxford and settling into my room after staying up watching Rush Hour to combat jet lag.
It's interesting to look back and see exactly how I felt about all of the new experiences and new places I was seeing. I like being able to have a physical memory of what happened and where I was on a certain day and who was there. I love seeing who I shared my time with and what my first impressions were of everyone.
It's amazing to basically have an autobiography of a time of my life that I believe was integral of helping me become the person I am.
However, and I've mentioned this to people before, my faith life had never been so dry as when I was in Ireland. Catholicism is engrained in the culture and architecture, but to actually feel alive in your faith and community is rare in the communities I was apart of. I was lucky to have a very religious roommate who would go to church with me, have the occasional religious debate, and eventually teach me about how cool Jesuits really were.
I put my faith on the back burner, and it was only when I came back into the states that I realized how important it was to integrate faith back into my life. I have a break in my journal during this time. I did take my position as a photographer SCM, so I had to go to all of the events. Then I also joined my first ever bible study that was lead by our first Jesuit novice, Peter.
When I did pick up my journal again, it was July 28, 2016. I labeled this entry as, "The start of a Prayer Journal". I also have the code to the perpetual adoration chapel scribbled in the margin. I never knew that there was such a thing as perpetual adoration. My only experience of adoration before was during retreats such as ICYC with a thousand other young Catholics or when my mom would drag me out of bed to go with her to the chapel in the morning(when I didn't pretend to be asleep).
I remember the ordeal of going to the adoration chapel for the first time. 1. I didn't know where it was. 2. I had to ask two different people where it was. 3. When I actually got into the chapel, I didn't know to open the tabernacle. So I had an awkward moment when an old lady came in later, gave me a weird look, opened the tabernacle doors, and went to go sit down.
Here's my first entry of my prayer journal:
God, I have never felt so lost.
How am I supposed to know what is happening in the hearts of others? How are you working in them? How are to play a role in my life? I believe that you place people in our lives for specific reasons. To help us. To hurt us. To teach us. To love us. I wish I was better at being able to decipher the signs to know how the people in my life are going to help me in the life you have given me.
I feel so lost. I don't feel abandoned, but I feel like I am working on a puzzle and you know exactly how to solve it and you are just waiting for me to figure it out because you know it's best that way.
I am so scared that I'm going to get it wrong.
I think I have been forgetting to pray about Peace. Or that I have been looking for Peace in the wrong places/people instead of looking for Peace in you. I have been trying to validate myself in others that seeing my flaws and strengths as a reflection of you.
Sometimes I feel like I am so alone. I have been trying to find peace in who I am through other people. However, that is incomplete peace.
One time when I experienced complete peace was when I visited the Galway Cathedral. I was completely in love with who I was, where God was taking me, and knew that God wanted me to experience these things.
I don't know if I have truly been at peace at all this year. I have been happy, yes, but I have been at peace with anything. 2016 started with me getting back to the states, moving across the state, starting new classes, trying to fit back in at St Pauls, juggling two internships, and wedding road trips. Then this summer has been trying to find joy in the monotony and putting a lot of effort into my friendships.
Don't get me wrong - I am completely in love with my life. I think I have been focusing on the wrong things.
I have loved being able to capture my adventures in faith in the second half of my journal. I am able to see my struggles and joys. One thing we talk about in my prayer group a lot is that it is easier to see the hand of God when you look back. You are able to see how everything you went through lead you to where you are today.
One thing I started doing in the second half as well was taking notes during bible studies and talks or commenting about different bible passages I read. I also like to write down things my prayer group say that speak to my heart.
JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. Be more open and pay attention to your feelings. You know that you can pull over and breathe.
Let go and put GOD in the center
Is God's dream for you
1. What you are?
2. WHO you are? <3
Hell is the difference between choosing to love the self vs to love God.
As a Catholic, I believe that we are all made in the image and likeness of God. So I am able to notice a glimmer of God's goodness and love through other people and I believe that God speaks to me through other people. I love being able to see how my faith life integrates with the rest of my life.
As a contrast from where I started in my prayer journal, here is part of an entry I wrote on February 19, 2018:
Dear God,
Am I on the right path? If I am - please keep encouraging me. If I am not - please disrupt me and help me right my wrongs.
Please help me continue to discern where my heart is and discover my true motivations. Help me become more attentive to Your path and do Good with my life and my actions.
As important as it is to record your adventures, I think being able to see my life through my faith lens helps me understand how I want to live my life in the future and how everything I do fits into pursuing God's willing and helping others do so as well.
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