In the past couple of months, I have realized that I have been comparing my faith to others. Often thinking that what I am doing is wrong in some way.
I have friends who carry around the daily readings, retell their recent trip to adoration or confession, and have all of the songs from the Christian radio station memorized.
I'll find myself thinking, "Oh- I'm not THAT religious," or "I can't see God in every little speck of dust under my fingernail, so I must be a bad Catholic." So I'll try to impress them by what I do.
I went to daily mass at the Cathedral the other day. I prayed like three novenas at once a few weeks back. I've been to most of the Theology on Tap nights this summer. Guys, I have so many pins on my Catholic Pinterest board that I will probably have to separate it into two soon. Jeesh, that choir practice last night went so well- Sunday is going to rock!
Growing up my family was an average Catholic family. We went to mass every Sunday and holy days, my dad has always been a music leader, and my siblings and I always partook in the youth group activities. I really only went to the youth activities because it was the only time I could hang out with my Catholic friends. So I didn't learn much about my faith or pay attention. Since I grew up in a predominantly Mormon town, I never really talked about my faith to anyone other than to my Catholic friends, but we didn't meet up too often.
For the first two and a half years of college, faith continued to be a very personal journey. I switched from being in it for social reasons into actually wanting to learn and grow in my faith to help guide me in my life. I went from mass several times a week, went on retreats, became the club photographer, events officer, and now president.
I still get that feeling that it's not good enough. I know for a fact that there are things I need to improve that are doable. However, I can't help but think my faith will never be enough.
Like I only found out about the perpetual adoration chapel at the Cathedral a couple of months ago, and have only gone a couple of times. I don't even have a preset to the popular Christian station because I can't stand the way the hosts talk. I haven't been writing love letters to my future spouse since I could hold a pencil. I don't have all of the bible verses or Veggie Tales skits memorized. I don't get huge signs from God that tell me to move cities or date someone. I get nervous talking to someone who isn't Catholic about my faith.
What really is terrible is that I want to be able to do all of those things. I want to be that person who is so strong in her faith that no one could even make me second guess myself for a second. I want to be that Jackie Francois who when catcalled by a car of guys at a stoplight yells at them that she loves Jesus.
But I'm not. I haven't been broken in some way or had trouble in my life. I'm just not that girl. I am flawed and imperfect. Sometimes I feel that if I do say something to my Catholic friends about religion that I might get it wrong or that they'll judge me for whatever reason (even though they are way to nice to do that). Sometimes I do have doubts about religion (which are usually quickly cleared up).
In a majority of my classes, my professors find a way to touch back on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs where the bottom needs have to be satisfied before any another needs can be met. It starts out with basic needs: food, water, shelter, safety. Then it gets into needs for relationships, the needs for friends and sense of accomplishment. The last part of self actualization is interesting because it pretty much goes into spiritually( or at least I think it does). One of my professors mentioned that it is the only need that does top out- there is no limit on this level. You can eat as much as you want, but you get full and stop. There is no skill points bar measuring your prayers or the amount of gusto in your singing. You can just keep growing in this aspect for your entire life.
Religion isn't one size fits all-just like life. God made everyone different with diverse talents, hopes, and yearnings. So not all prayers are going to change your life, some may even put you to sleep. I may not see God in every minute of the day, but it doesn't mean that he hasn't influenced the way I live my life.
I shouldn't be comparing my faith to others, but instead learning from them and trying out to see if it will work for me and not get discouraged when it doesn't. What is important is that I am working on growing my faith, but in my own way.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Friday, February 5, 2016
Involved
Since I have been feeling so distance from the church and God, I made the decision weeks ago that I would try to be more active in church/St. Paul's in general.
I have been spending time between classes and working out there. I go to the student campus minister meetings(even though I don't really contribute much). I still do choir, but I've been doing that pretty much since I started college. I joined a bible study. I feel like I am there so much! Which I think has been a good thing.
Yesterday I went to go pray in the chapel for a little bit. I've never done that before on my own or when there isn't an actual adoration or mass going on. I spent the first five minutes getting over the awkwardness of that. It's not that it's awkward, but I feel silly because I've never done it before. I wasn't even planning on doing it. I had a meeting with my career advisor about internships and graduate school, and I felt like I needed some one on one time with Jesus to sort through everything without the distractions at my apartment.
I feel like I was able to talk through everything even though a couple musicians came in after a bit to go over Ash Wednesday music.
For the first time since probably last spring- I feel like I am finally back to where I was spiritually. I feel confident and ready to take on whatever comes my way!
However, I know that I can't stop here. Spirituality isn't a skill that gets topped off at a peak. It keeps on going up! There are so many amazing people to aspire to. Some of whom are in my parish :)
Little more of a life update:
I am super busy these next couple of weeks! I have Service Saturday where I'm going to be a site leader over at the Good Samaritan House. Then an hour after that I am helping out at the Capstone Crab Feast where the proceeds go towards our orphanage in Tijuana, Mexico. On Tuesday, I am manning the photo booth for our Mardi Gras party! On Ash Wednesday, I am going to be photographing out 8 AM mass. I also have two exams to study for this week, bleh. Finance and Organizational Behavior!
For Valentine's weekend I get a romantic weekend back home at my high school best friend's wedding. I'm spending a day with my sister's family in Pocatello. On that Saturday is the wedding- She's Mormon, so it will be a sealing ceremony that I can't attend, and then pictures and a luncheon! Oh and I'm a bridesmaid :) I might be coming back up either Sunday morning or evening. It really depends on how my parents are doing.
I have been spending time between classes and working out there. I go to the student campus minister meetings(even though I don't really contribute much). I still do choir, but I've been doing that pretty much since I started college. I joined a bible study. I feel like I am there so much! Which I think has been a good thing.
Yesterday I went to go pray in the chapel for a little bit. I've never done that before on my own or when there isn't an actual adoration or mass going on. I spent the first five minutes getting over the awkwardness of that. It's not that it's awkward, but I feel silly because I've never done it before. I wasn't even planning on doing it. I had a meeting with my career advisor about internships and graduate school, and I felt like I needed some one on one time with Jesus to sort through everything without the distractions at my apartment.
I feel like I was able to talk through everything even though a couple musicians came in after a bit to go over Ash Wednesday music.
For the first time since probably last spring- I feel like I am finally back to where I was spiritually. I feel confident and ready to take on whatever comes my way!
However, I know that I can't stop here. Spirituality isn't a skill that gets topped off at a peak. It keeps on going up! There are so many amazing people to aspire to. Some of whom are in my parish :)
Little more of a life update:
I am super busy these next couple of weeks! I have Service Saturday where I'm going to be a site leader over at the Good Samaritan House. Then an hour after that I am helping out at the Capstone Crab Feast where the proceeds go towards our orphanage in Tijuana, Mexico. On Tuesday, I am manning the photo booth for our Mardi Gras party! On Ash Wednesday, I am going to be photographing out 8 AM mass. I also have two exams to study for this week, bleh. Finance and Organizational Behavior!
For Valentine's weekend I get a romantic weekend back home at my high school best friend's wedding. I'm spending a day with my sister's family in Pocatello. On that Saturday is the wedding- She's Mormon, so it will be a sealing ceremony that I can't attend, and then pictures and a luncheon! Oh and I'm a bridesmaid :) I might be coming back up either Sunday morning or evening. It really depends on how my parents are doing.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Guard
Acts 2:7: Are not all these people who are speaking Galileans?
Acts 2:13: But others said, scoffing, "They have had too much new wine. "
I went to my first official bible study on Wednesday night. We were reading the second chapter of the Acts of the Apostles. The Apostles are going out and spreading the Good News and are able to communicate to people from all different backgrounds and nationalities in their native language. People gather and are amazed. This helps create the first Christian community.
We have a Jesuit Novice leading our group and he asked us how we would react to the situation if we were there. He told us that the Galileans weren't known for being the 'best and brightest', so having intellects from there was unfamiliar. Going around the circle, the first half said that they probably would have followed the Apostles. The second half remained silent and our novice pushed us to answer and I was the first to respond.
I said that I would have been hesitant. I would have been amazed by the miracle of tongues, and may have been intrigued to learn more about what they had to say. But I would have been really guarded about accepting their message. I probably would have been one of the people saying that they had too much wine.
The guy next to me said something along the same lines of me, and wrapped up the meeting.
I realized that is my approach to religion now. I am guarded. I'm scared about acceptance. I am very proud of identifying as Catholic. I grew up in a Mormon city, and everyone was surprised when they found out I was Catholic. I'm scared about acceptance inside the church. I have many good friends at church, but I feel like I don't know a whole lot about my faith. I'm afraid that when people do find that out that they will judge me? I felt like there was always a higher standard that I just couldn't meet.
When I was taking religious ed classes through middle school and high school- none of that information ever stuck. I was in it more for the social aspect of it anyway. All of my friends and I were what I like to think of as the 'popular Catholics' (this was never established, but we were always helping out, leading retreats, etc). The majority of them went to Catholic school for elementary school, so it was engrained in their memory. The rest of them had extremely religious parents that personally engrained it in their kids memory. I never went to Catholic school. My parents are super religious, but they never pushed my siblings and I to be. I am grateful because I could have resented them for and that may have pushed me away from religion entirely. But it does kind of suck not to know every single detail about the bible and the catechism. Sometimes I feel like I'm a fraud or a terrible Catholic.
I was talking to one of my best friends(She's Catholic) today about coming to a Mardi Gras party that our church is putting on in a little over a week. She's more of a Christmas/Easter Catholic, but I still try to invite her to events that are going on. So I told her about it and she almost instantly said, No.
I went on to ask her why and she said she wasn't THAT Catholic. I told her that we won't be discussing theology, and it's really just an excuse to party. She told me exactly my fear. She isn't very knowledgable in our faith. I was about to confide in her that is my fear as well, but our yoga class started. And I completely forgot about it after class started.
I feel like I do put up a pretty great front though. I go to mass every Sunday- heck I even sing in the choir every week. I am one of the student campus ministers, and I go to a fancy meeting once a week. I've been spending time in the Catholic center library studying in between classes. I go to daily mass every once in a while.
I've also been thinking of this in terms of someone like my friend who won't even visit our church because they "aren't very knowledgable".
Perhaps I am even missing the point.
Maybe church should been viewed more as a school. Christians started schooling anyway right?
The problem is that I have been a really shit student. I've been going to class, but I've been day dreaming and not studying for the tests. Hmm part of that metaphor may have been lost.
The reason I am so guarded is that I haven't learned enough to be 100% confident in my choice. Participation can only go so far.
Hopefully that makes a little bit of sense?
-Eva
Acts 2:13: But others said, scoffing, "They have had too much new wine. "
I went to my first official bible study on Wednesday night. We were reading the second chapter of the Acts of the Apostles. The Apostles are going out and spreading the Good News and are able to communicate to people from all different backgrounds and nationalities in their native language. People gather and are amazed. This helps create the first Christian community.
We have a Jesuit Novice leading our group and he asked us how we would react to the situation if we were there. He told us that the Galileans weren't known for being the 'best and brightest', so having intellects from there was unfamiliar. Going around the circle, the first half said that they probably would have followed the Apostles. The second half remained silent and our novice pushed us to answer and I was the first to respond.
I said that I would have been hesitant. I would have been amazed by the miracle of tongues, and may have been intrigued to learn more about what they had to say. But I would have been really guarded about accepting their message. I probably would have been one of the people saying that they had too much wine.
The guy next to me said something along the same lines of me, and wrapped up the meeting.
I realized that is my approach to religion now. I am guarded. I'm scared about acceptance. I am very proud of identifying as Catholic. I grew up in a Mormon city, and everyone was surprised when they found out I was Catholic. I'm scared about acceptance inside the church. I have many good friends at church, but I feel like I don't know a whole lot about my faith. I'm afraid that when people do find that out that they will judge me? I felt like there was always a higher standard that I just couldn't meet.
When I was taking religious ed classes through middle school and high school- none of that information ever stuck. I was in it more for the social aspect of it anyway. All of my friends and I were what I like to think of as the 'popular Catholics' (this was never established, but we were always helping out, leading retreats, etc). The majority of them went to Catholic school for elementary school, so it was engrained in their memory. The rest of them had extremely religious parents that personally engrained it in their kids memory. I never went to Catholic school. My parents are super religious, but they never pushed my siblings and I to be. I am grateful because I could have resented them for and that may have pushed me away from religion entirely. But it does kind of suck not to know every single detail about the bible and the catechism. Sometimes I feel like I'm a fraud or a terrible Catholic.
I was talking to one of my best friends(She's Catholic) today about coming to a Mardi Gras party that our church is putting on in a little over a week. She's more of a Christmas/Easter Catholic, but I still try to invite her to events that are going on. So I told her about it and she almost instantly said, No.
I went on to ask her why and she said she wasn't THAT Catholic. I told her that we won't be discussing theology, and it's really just an excuse to party. She told me exactly my fear. She isn't very knowledgable in our faith. I was about to confide in her that is my fear as well, but our yoga class started. And I completely forgot about it after class started.
I feel like I do put up a pretty great front though. I go to mass every Sunday- heck I even sing in the choir every week. I am one of the student campus ministers, and I go to a fancy meeting once a week. I've been spending time in the Catholic center library studying in between classes. I go to daily mass every once in a while.
I've also been thinking of this in terms of someone like my friend who won't even visit our church because they "aren't very knowledgable".
Perhaps I am even missing the point.
Maybe church should been viewed more as a school. Christians started schooling anyway right?
The problem is that I have been a really shit student. I've been going to class, but I've been day dreaming and not studying for the tests. Hmm part of that metaphor may have been lost.
The reason I am so guarded is that I haven't learned enough to be 100% confident in my choice. Participation can only go so far.
Hopefully that makes a little bit of sense?
-Eva
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Change in Direction
Can I tell you a secret?
I feel like my faith journey has flatlined. I keep checking the pulse, but I am barely hanging on.
It's not like it is completely out of the blue.
I believe it started when I moved back home last summer after my spring semester at college finished, and I started working with my father doing marketing. But it really came to a tipping point during my semester studying abroad.
I grew up with a strong practicing Catholic family. I've been baptized, had first communion, first confession, and I've gotten confirmed. I went to all of my religious ed classes, been on and led amazing retreats.
When I started college, I wanted to be more involved in the church. So I took the initiative. I made my self go to mass every Sunday. I joined the choir because I had been doing choir with my father for the past four years. I started going to daily mass as much as possible. I went to as many events as I could and made amazing friends.
Summer in between freshman and sophomore year I lived and worked in a national park. I was lucky to make it to mass once a week because there simply wasn't a community and my schedule changed every week. I was able to find God in nature, which was extremely valuable to me.
My second year of college was a bit different. I had a demanding job and harder classes, so I couldn't do as much as I could. Or when I did have free time I wanted to lounge at my apartment and watch movies with my roommates. I still went to church, participated in the choir, and even gave a talk about gratitude during the spring retreat. It was about seeing God in every situation and seeing his influences all around you.
The summer between sophomore and junior year was the first of what I like to call a transitional period. A weird in between time going from the end of a part of my life into a new chapter where nothing progresses. I keep noticing them and it's bizarre. My summer was very scheduled. I had a couple of weddings and trips, but I mainly did the same thing every day. Get up, go to daily mass with my parents(free ride to work), work 9-5, dinner, sleep. All of my Catholic pals either didn't come home for summer, or we hadn't talked in so long that we mutually didn't make the effort to spend time together.
Then I began my study abroad semester in Ireland. Amazingly enough my roommate and future study abroad best friend turned out to be Catholic as well! We always went to mass together. However, I did miss one day the weekend I traveled to Germany to visit my sister for her birthday and we missed a couple weekends when we were traveling around Ireland.
I would love to say that I tried just as hard to get involved in the community in Ireland as I did back at my home university, but that is a lie. I went to the coffee after mass probably once, maybe twice? I never went to any of their events. I can count the number of times I went to daily mass on one hand.
I would also love to say that it was culture shock that drove me away. I do think that part of it was that the community was much different than my home university church. I chose to put it in the back of my mind because I was trying to figure out how I fit into the world as a whole and not in their specific community. That worked for me, while I was there.
It's not working anymore.
I lost my focus. I feel like I am trying harder than I ever have to get back to the place I was before I feel into the ritual and the routine. I have been mindlessly talking to God without reason or purpose. My prayers are in shambles. I started praying every night back in high school because I didn't want to give up sweets for lent and it led to a fantastic relationship with God. I still pray every night out of habit, but there's no substance. Coming back to the masses in the states, I am able to understand God's message through the homilies a bit better, but my mind still wonders off to the cute baby or the next assignment due or whether or not the cute boy across the room winked at me or if he just had an eye spasm.
I feel like I need to write this out because people assume that I am this deeply religious person. I am not. Honestly, I don't feel an ounce of holiness in me. I feel empty half the time and the other half I completely forget that God has helped me every single day and I go on living and laughing with my friends.
Everyone's faith journey is different. I am working on bring it back up, even if I don't get back up to the same place I was before. It is probably impossible anyway because I have changed- in ways I don't even know how to quantify or realize.
When I was little, I associated someone's faith or holiness with the amount of time they spent in the church or praying. Freshman year I met a God loving woman who went to church everyday and was always talking in depth with the priest. Two years later, she never comes to church. Anytime someone brings her up, people get a confused sadness on their face. In high school one of my best friends stopped going to church because her pastor died. Instead, she made her own time to reflect and live God's word.
So really neither of those stories help me. I think it is going to have to come from me being more persistent. What will also be a big help will be my friends. I am trying to spend more time at my church building the relationship with my friends there; hopefully, some of their holiness will rub off on me.
God throws obstacles in your way. Fact. But he also knows that you are able to overcome them, learn, and become a better person. Fact.
Since moving back to my university, I have had a wonderful time seeing all of my fabulous friends again. But it has been a rough couple of weeks.
Culture shock coming from Europe to the US. My sister going through a miscarriage. My other sister having weird health problems. My other other sister losing her position in her company and not knowing if she will get offered a different position. Possibly losing my internship. Possibly having to take summer classes. Not getting the job I interviewed for and not hearing back from other companies regarding my application. Figuring out how I fit back into society because I'm not the same puzzle piece that I was when I left.
I broke down yesterday, and called my mother in tears.
What's worse (thinking back) is that she gave me advice that I always give my friends. "Everything is going to be fine. It's rough when things don't work out the way you think they will. God will put you where he wants you."
I feel like my faith journey has flatlined. I keep checking the pulse, but I am barely hanging on.
It's not like it is completely out of the blue.
I believe it started when I moved back home last summer after my spring semester at college finished, and I started working with my father doing marketing. But it really came to a tipping point during my semester studying abroad.
I grew up with a strong practicing Catholic family. I've been baptized, had first communion, first confession, and I've gotten confirmed. I went to all of my religious ed classes, been on and led amazing retreats.
When I started college, I wanted to be more involved in the church. So I took the initiative. I made my self go to mass every Sunday. I joined the choir because I had been doing choir with my father for the past four years. I started going to daily mass as much as possible. I went to as many events as I could and made amazing friends.
Summer in between freshman and sophomore year I lived and worked in a national park. I was lucky to make it to mass once a week because there simply wasn't a community and my schedule changed every week. I was able to find God in nature, which was extremely valuable to me.
My second year of college was a bit different. I had a demanding job and harder classes, so I couldn't do as much as I could. Or when I did have free time I wanted to lounge at my apartment and watch movies with my roommates. I still went to church, participated in the choir, and even gave a talk about gratitude during the spring retreat. It was about seeing God in every situation and seeing his influences all around you.
The summer between sophomore and junior year was the first of what I like to call a transitional period. A weird in between time going from the end of a part of my life into a new chapter where nothing progresses. I keep noticing them and it's bizarre. My summer was very scheduled. I had a couple of weddings and trips, but I mainly did the same thing every day. Get up, go to daily mass with my parents(free ride to work), work 9-5, dinner, sleep. All of my Catholic pals either didn't come home for summer, or we hadn't talked in so long that we mutually didn't make the effort to spend time together.
Then I began my study abroad semester in Ireland. Amazingly enough my roommate and future study abroad best friend turned out to be Catholic as well! We always went to mass together. However, I did miss one day the weekend I traveled to Germany to visit my sister for her birthday and we missed a couple weekends when we were traveling around Ireland.
I would love to say that I tried just as hard to get involved in the community in Ireland as I did back at my home university, but that is a lie. I went to the coffee after mass probably once, maybe twice? I never went to any of their events. I can count the number of times I went to daily mass on one hand.
I would also love to say that it was culture shock that drove me away. I do think that part of it was that the community was much different than my home university church. I chose to put it in the back of my mind because I was trying to figure out how I fit into the world as a whole and not in their specific community. That worked for me, while I was there.
It's not working anymore.
I lost my focus. I feel like I am trying harder than I ever have to get back to the place I was before I feel into the ritual and the routine. I have been mindlessly talking to God without reason or purpose. My prayers are in shambles. I started praying every night back in high school because I didn't want to give up sweets for lent and it led to a fantastic relationship with God. I still pray every night out of habit, but there's no substance. Coming back to the masses in the states, I am able to understand God's message through the homilies a bit better, but my mind still wonders off to the cute baby or the next assignment due or whether or not the cute boy across the room winked at me or if he just had an eye spasm.
I feel like I need to write this out because people assume that I am this deeply religious person. I am not. Honestly, I don't feel an ounce of holiness in me. I feel empty half the time and the other half I completely forget that God has helped me every single day and I go on living and laughing with my friends.
Everyone's faith journey is different. I am working on bring it back up, even if I don't get back up to the same place I was before. It is probably impossible anyway because I have changed- in ways I don't even know how to quantify or realize.
When I was little, I associated someone's faith or holiness with the amount of time they spent in the church or praying. Freshman year I met a God loving woman who went to church everyday and was always talking in depth with the priest. Two years later, she never comes to church. Anytime someone brings her up, people get a confused sadness on their face. In high school one of my best friends stopped going to church because her pastor died. Instead, she made her own time to reflect and live God's word.
So really neither of those stories help me. I think it is going to have to come from me being more persistent. What will also be a big help will be my friends. I am trying to spend more time at my church building the relationship with my friends there; hopefully, some of their holiness will rub off on me.
God throws obstacles in your way. Fact. But he also knows that you are able to overcome them, learn, and become a better person. Fact.
Since moving back to my university, I have had a wonderful time seeing all of my fabulous friends again. But it has been a rough couple of weeks.
Culture shock coming from Europe to the US. My sister going through a miscarriage. My other sister having weird health problems. My other other sister losing her position in her company and not knowing if she will get offered a different position. Possibly losing my internship. Possibly having to take summer classes. Not getting the job I interviewed for and not hearing back from other companies regarding my application. Figuring out how I fit back into society because I'm not the same puzzle piece that I was when I left.
I broke down yesterday, and called my mother in tears.
What's worse (thinking back) is that she gave me advice that I always give my friends. "Everything is going to be fine. It's rough when things don't work out the way you think they will. God will put you where he wants you."
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