Focus on What Matters

I'm on my fourth go around with the First Spiritual Exercises by St. Ignatius. This time I am doing the Inner Peace in Friendship with Jesus retreat. In this retreat in daily life, he has you pray with objects to deepen your relationship and heighten your prayer experience. Today we had to pray with a bowl of dirt. 

I grabbed a plant in my house because it is cold and I didn't want to get dirt from outside. As I was doing the blessing, I remembered that my brother gave me this mini rose bush while I was in the hospital. I remembered how disconnected I was from the outside world and how I would try to glean as much information from my friends and family who came to visit. Even if it was just the weather outside since I couldn't even see through a window. 

It reminded me of the importance of being an active participate in life. To be out in nature. To spend time with friends and family. To use the gifts God has given me. To spend my days making other people happy. 

The last couple of months I have noticed that when I am talking with someone, even just for a little while, I am completely checked in or at least more often. Ultimately, my job doesn't matter or how much time I spend working out or how well I can bake. 

Relationships are what matter. 

God created a lot of things, but man has always been his best work-Especially woman because he finally stopped creating ;)- God even came down and became man because he loved us so much. So why wouldn't you want to spend time listening to people and discussing their life/experiences/hardships. Each person on this planet is a reflection of God. Even if you don't get along with them or if they don't share the same beliefs or if they are an energy vampire and a complete bore to talk to. 

God has you-and them- here for a reason. There is a reason each and every day. 

Growing up, I always heard, "Jesus died for me." In my mind, I made it self centered. I focused on the ME. He cares about ME. He loves ME. A couple of weeks ago at mass I had the revelation that Jesus didn't just die for me. He died for you. And the homeless man in the park. And the girl who called you a slut. He died for all of us. He died for all of our sins because he loves each and every one of us.  

Finding Out You Have a Chronic Illness

Update!! I gave a speech about this at a Holy Grounds for FirePit Ministry in 2017!

Here is a link to that talk: https://soundcloud.com/firepit-ministry/working-through-the-numbness-a-story-of-awakening-1

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“God doesn’t give the hardest battles to His toughest soldiers, He creates the toughest soldiers through life’s hardest battles.”

A month into my first summer after graduating college, I ended up in the hospital for two weeks. There I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, which is an autoimmune disease, and had a massive flare up that caused my entire colon to be inflamed.

Throughout our lives we have all gone through different trials and hardships that we have to overcome. Now, I am a very optimistic person. So usually when I am going through something hard, I am trying to figure out some kind of silver lining and learn something from the experience.

Usually people are more prone to turn to God in bad times. This was true when I first started having symptoms. I kept on praying through the difficult moments such as having to cancel plans because I was in so much pain and when I had to cut down my pride and ask my mom to come help when I simply couldn't bear it alone anymore.

When I was in the hospital, I felt so broken and dehumanized (only made slightly more bearable when I got visits from family and friends). It was hard to accept that it was possible for this to happen. It was even harder to accept that there really isn't anything that caused this disease. Ulcerative Colitis just shows up, and researchers aren't concerned with how people get it. Right now they are trying to figure out how to cure it because the only 'cure' they currently have is to remove the colon.

I have never felt so distant from God at this time. All I can use to describe the experience is numbing. I mentally didn’t want to accept that I had this disease. I physically couldn’t do anything but lay in the hospital bed for the first week, so my days were spent staring at the wall and trying to keep track of the influx of nurses, CNAs, doctors, nurse practitioners, and dietitians. My amazing mother was there with me during the days, but she was so anxious about what was going on with me that we didn’t talk that much. I was so shocked by what was going on that I simply didn’t know what to do with God.

I knew that this was just a hurdle that I had to get over and I knew that God was going to help me get through it. I kept this up for the first week even though it was a rough week. I had constant pain in my abdomen, which was about twenty times worse than period cramps. I remember asking the nurse for a heating pad, but apparently they are hard to come by in the hospital. Instead my amazing nurse came back with about twenty heat packs(little pouches you break and magically create heat), and I ended up using all of them in the entire section of the hospital I was in.Week two was more difficult because I ended up needing to get a nutritional pic line in my arm instead of just the IV fluids, and every day the doctors changed the day I was supposed to go home.

My prayer every night would start off with "Thank you for today." However, I would get upset over my current situation and my prayer would falter out. We are called to love and praise God in all circumstances, but I have never been through something like this before. It's hard to be grateful when you find out that you have chronic disease that came out of nowhere. And I’m human. It’s impossible to be joyful all the time. In the bible, Jesus was sweating blood in the Garden of Gethsemane before his crucifixion and during the crucifixion he cries out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

“No healthy Christian ever chooses suffering, he chooses God’s will, as Jesus did, whether it means suffering or not.”

God isn’t demanding that you happily praise him from the rooftops- he is calling for your faith and trust.

After two of the longest weeks of my life, I was finally discharged from the hospital.

I was extremely weak (I lost twenty pounds), and my mind was still numb from the whole ordeal. I caught myself staring at the wall too many times to count. I was put on a low residue diet (pretty much no nuts, veggies, fruits. Healthy foods can now be trigger foods that cause flares) and we figured out that my flare made me lactose intolerant, which lasted for about a month and a half.

I continued to be upset with God even though I read a lot of inspirational religious quotes on Pinterest. Throughout this time, my mom and I would talk about where we were spiritually (we were both in rough spots). So of course she went and bought a Christian movie during a grocery trip. **Side note- I don’t like Christian movies because they are very hokey and are not well done** I put off watching it for days and instead went through several seasons of Modern Family. Eventually, I could tell my mom was tired of it and wasn’t interesting in watching any action movies(we went through all the rom coms in the hospital), so we watched this movie. The Shack.

In this movie, this man’s daughter is murdered, which causes him to question everything he believes. He gets a letter to go to the place where she was killed, and he encounters the trinity. His frustration and struggle with God hit the nail on the head on where I was at. I’d have to watch it again to pick out exactly the amazing responses they had about going trials and why they happen and how God is with us through it all. Like dang. If you are ever mad at God- watch The Shack! (and have tissues nearby) Something just clicked in my mind after watching this movie and I felt like I was finally able to process everything clearly and move forward in accepting my ‘new normal’.

I realized that even though I felt distant from God, he continued to shower his love on me every day I was in the hospital. For whatever reason, I expected some kind of grand gesture from God and forgot that he works through people. One of my favorite things in the entire world is flowers. I got so many flowers from my amazing friends and family throughout my stay that we couldn't fit them on the counter anymore! I had friends come in and visit me, and my best friends were constantly messaging me to help keep up my spirits. On my worst day, I got a call from one of my aunts in California, and the hospital therapy dog came to visit.

Since I've been out of the hospital and finally felt like I was getting my mind back, I was finally able to process what happened and try to learn something from it. This is what I've gleaned so far:

1. I realized that I really dislike making people sad. Telling someone that you are sick and in the hospital is not something anyone should have to go through. I have always tried to live with the belief that no one should leave you feeling unhappy.  
2. Nurses are such a blessing, and I am grateful for them on a whole new level! 
3. Change is a fact of life, but how you react is what matters.

There were a lot of things that helped me during my recovery from the hospital such as listening to Father Mike Schmitz talks, finding other people with autoimmune diseases, and being able to be back in the world through simple tasks such as going to mass or grocery shopping or riding my bike.

Now, I am taking medication that is supposed to help, and I am getting a form of chemo every two months to make my body stop attacking itself. It seems to be working so far, and I haven't had any major symptoms in months! If you really want to know more about the other aspects of UC, I have attached a couple of videos below that helped me process what it is. However, no two UC cases are similar, so the symptoms/flares vary from person to person.

I don't know why I got this disease, and I may never fully understand. I do know that I am surrounded by amazing friends and family who love and care about me. I know that God never abandons you when you are suffering or distressed.

I will leave you with a quick story by Mary Stevenson that I have on one of my prayer journals.

"One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints. Other times there was one set of footprints. This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints. So I said to the Lord, "You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, You would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed You most, You have not been there for me?" The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I carried you."

Love Letter to my Catholic Friends

With Valentine's around the corner, I thought I would share my love of some of the most amazing people that I love and who are important to me!

**Of course not all of these are exclusive to just my Catholic friends!**

I have met so many amazing people starting my first day at college, and I have continued to have new friends come into my life since. I don't think I say it enough, but I love each and every one of them for who they are. Each one of them is such a light in my life. I love how unique they all are in their sense of humor, taste in movies, passions, dreams, and thoughts. 

My Catholic friends have taught me so many things, so I wanted to share some things because I am so grateful to have them in my life! 

They have taught me that you don't have to know everything. I have always been ashamed of how little I knew about my faith and religion. My Mormon friends could quote any book of the bible and they knew their faith inside and out. When I started college, I assumed my Catholic friends were the same way because they always had an interesting remark on a theological question. It took me going to bible study and to finally accept that I had a weakness for me to realize that I don’t have to know everything. One of my friends asked me to do a rosary with her in the fall, and we fumbled over some of the mysteries because neither of us were sure of what they were. I learned that no one is an expert. The important thing is that we are continually learning.

It's okay to be broken. You don’t have to happy and put together all of the time. I did the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises in the fall, and several of my friends opened up about dealing with depression and how it is hard for them to love themselves all the time. They were so raw and open. Sometimes I have days were I don’t feel good about myself. My friends are always uplifting and make me forget about my problems. I have gone through some bad times in the past, and I had friends reach out and make sure that I was all right.

My Catholic friends have taught me that you don't have to be serious all of the time. I have always been in love of the idea of growing up and going to college. People would be mature and all of my problems would be solved. However, being serious all the time is not very fun. I was called the mom of my friend group from freshman to junior year of college. I was always three steps ahead of any decisions and worried about spontaneity. The last summer before my senior year, I decided to stay in my college town and hang out with my friends. All summer I threw ‘caution to the wind,’ as the young folk say. I remember going to the Farmers’ Market with a couple of my friends, and we spoke in a British accent the whole time. Another time I went on a sunrise hike that turned into an eight-hour adventure where we made a silly nature video and had the best time scaling up rocks and searching for trails.

You can be strong when you're scared. I have learned through many trials that I am more likely to fly than fight. A group of girls and I were finishing up setting up for Halloween late at night. We heard a knocking on the back door of the building. We thought someone was playing a prank on us, so we ignored it. The knocking kept happening. I decided that we should go upstairs and call one of our other friends to check on our situation. Before that happened, the other girls rushed into the kitchen to grab huge knives and go towards the back door. When we were upstairs, we got the okay to come downstairs and then we learned that the culprit was one of our friends who had gotten locked out. I admire the courage and fearlessness of my friends. They inspire me to be able to act courageously.

My Catholic friends taught me that community matters. When I started college, I decided to take on my faith by myself and make sure that I was remaining Catholic because I believed it and not because my friends were doing it. So I remained a part of the Catholic community, but I didn’t spend a lot of time with the community there aside from masses. The last couple of years, I really feel in love with the amazing people at church who have become some of my best friends. My Catholic friends have opened my eyes and helped me grow in my faith and as a person. They push me to be the best version of myself, even if it sucks sometimes. This community has always been there in the rough times, and there to celebrate in the good times.

Love Radiates. In my business capstone class, we did a visualization exercise where you go along your path of life and at the end of it your future self is supposed to give you advice. What I came up with was to lead with love. Love is so critically important in everything you do. Once you start living your life through love, it changes how you go about everything. I have met the most beautiful people through my church involvement. Love literally radiates out of them and infects everyone they come into contact with. You can tell that they are so deep in their faith that they are able to see Christ in every person they come into contact with. It seems like they are able to look into your soul and see you for who you are. A child of God.


Other people can actually help you grow in your faith. My friends, mentors, and spiritual directors have helped me try out different ways of prayer to grow my faith. I was never formally taught how to pray other than the main prayers we are taught in masses (either that or I just never remembered). I'm a cradle Catholic, so it is assumed that you are born with this great ability to pray. The way I prayed for years was like a letter to God, very unstructured and it would usually turn into me rambling on about my day to God. It's not like that is terrible- at least I was trying- but learning about different types of prayer has taken my faith up to the next step and have a better relationship with God.   I love learning how my friends create a relationship with God and how they are able to best connect with Him through different kinds of prayer. Some of my friends love praise and worship music. Some talk with Him as an old friend or father. Some love praying the rosary or novenas. I am still trying to figure out how I should pray because there are several different things that I like to do, but it is actually pretty difficult. My friends help encourage me, and my spiritual director definitely helps keep me on track.

I have learned that adoration by yourself is the best. I never would have done this without one of my friend’s influence. My friend mentioned going to the little adoration chapel in the cathedral once, and I got this ache in my heart to go. It is truly amazing to just sit in the presence of God by yourself and get absorbed in awe. That journey ended with me buzzing around the outside of the cathedral trying to find the place and having to talk to some stranger and then eventually the priest to get into the chapel. I ended up sitting in the chapel for a while trying to get used to it, then a gentleman came in-gave me an odd look- and opened the tabernacle because I didn't even know it opened. 

A coffee date does wonders. My Catholic friends have always been strong advocates for going and getting coffee. In high school, my Catholic friends would have a weekly get together and catch up with what was going on in everyone’s lives because we lived all around the city. Now I go on coffee dates with my friends to take a break from the hectic life of studying to actually see how each other are doing. I have had some amazing conversations and really developed my relationships with my friends in little coffee shops. Life gets busy with school, jobs, projects, and club involvements, so it is good to take a breather and be able to focus on building relationships.

‘There is something here.' I met up with a new friend, who isn't Catholic, in the chapel on campus once. He disclosed to me his life journey and how he was searching for something more. He got to talking about why he had been going to the chapel the prior couple of weeks. He said that there was something there (while looking at the tabernacle) in the Catholic church that he hadn’t noticed in other faiths. This comment really struck me for whatever reason. It made me fall in love with my Catholic faith even more!

The universe is happening inside of each person. I went on a silent retreat and my spiritual director, who is an old friend, told this to me on the last day of the retreat. He said that was one of the reasons he really liked doing spiritual direction because he was able to look inside of someone’s universe and see what is happening inside. I think it was very beautifully put and helped me gain perspective on just interacting with people in general. We get so hung up inside ourselves. The problems in our lives are the most important thing and nothing else matters. However, other people have their own problems that influence everything they do as well. This has helped me realize the importance of listening to others because what they talk about is important to them and they want to share those things with you.

I was talking to one of my friends the other day, and we remarked how there is a different type of bond with your friends who share your faith. Like they understand a deeper part of yourself. I know that no matter what happens or where God takes us, these friends will always have a special part in my heart.

Thank you to my friends who are a part of my life! I am so grateful that you are a part of my journey and that I am able to take part in your journey.