Joyful Suffering : ( :

I've been trying to figure out what I want to talk about this year for IBD Awareness week and the 2nd anniversary of being officially in remission from Ulcerative Colitis.

In conjunction with other life events, I think the most fitting topic is joyful suffering.

Speakers give talks about it at conferences and retreats, but they never made sense to me. Truly the only thought that would come to mind is the Harry Potter scene in the Prisoner of Azkaban where Ron says, " You're going to suffer, but you'll be happy about it." I always left those talks more confused with the idea that joyful suffering meant that whenever something bad happens, you are supposed to have this big smile on your face.

I do not think that anymore.

I am part of a small women's faith group over this past year, and I have had the opportunity to make friends with another lady who also has a chronic illness. It has been lovely to bond over digestive issues, food restrictions, and current medications. We were talking at one of our women's group nights about our illnesses, and she mentioned that she is grateful that she has her illness because she knows she can handle it. I wholeheartedly agreed with her. I even refer to my journey as a cleansing fire because it sorted out the people and decisions in my life, and helped me recenter on what is important in life.

Then skip ahead a couple weeks to another women's group I was hosting that I felt like was going off the rails(but really it was going exactly where the Holy Spirit was leading) and I found myself at the end of the night going through the Catechism of the Catholic Church. I was in a super deep dive after everyone left, and I found myself looking up the Anointing of the Sick sacrament. While I was in the hospital when I was first diagnosed June 2017, my priest visited me and gave me the Anointing of the Sick(which is supposed to be one of the last things that a priest does before someone dies, but it can be given in other instances).

I don't need to get in the nitty gritty of the sacrament if you want to brush up on it here is an online version: http://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/_INDEX.HTM

But here is what it says about the Effects fo the Celebration of This Sacrament[Anointing of the Sick]
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A particular give of the Holy Spirit. The first grace of this sacrament is one of strengthening, peace, and courage to overcome the difficulties that go with the condition of serious illness or the frailty of old age...
1521
Union with the passion of Christ... Suffering, a consequence of original sin, acquire a new meaning; it becomes a participation in the saving work of Jesus.
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An ecclesial grace... By celebrating this sacrament the Church, in communion of saints, intercedes for the benefit of the sick person, and she for her part, through the grace of this sacrament, contributes to the sanctification of the Church and to the good of all men for whom the Church suffers and offers herself through Christ to God the Father.

Now what does that mean?

No idea. lol it does make me feel like I have some BA superpowers though.

I found it consoling as to the experience I've had with my illness and I do think that I got another dose of the Holy Spirit that has helped me come to terms with my illness and understand Jesus's passion on the cross.

I got to thinking about joyful suffering in relation to Jesus's passion and how I could apply it to my own life.

I don't think this is something you can really advise someone when they are going through a hard time. I think that you honestly have to work up to it spiritually or else it doesn't make sense.

I didn't know that I even could do joyful suffering until recently, and I don't even know if I'm doing it 'right'.

My family is going through a hard time where there is a lot of pain and confusion.

When I found out what was going on, all I could think to God is why? Which is the same question I had when I got my diagnosis. Why me? Why now? Why this?

This time, I could actually talk to God about it. I ended up going up into the foothills and watched the sun set over the horizon and just pray. All I could think about is St. Faustina. Lord, I trust in You. Lord, I trust in You. Over and Over again until I could somewhat believe what I was saying.

I drove home and got to thinking about the theology on tap the next night and was deciding whether or not to go to it. The topic of the evening was "Gratitude Cafe" a night of gratitude for the Thanksgiving spirit. I didn't know if I would go. I did not feel grateful for the situation I found myself a part in. I brought myself to read the small except I had prepared for the Gratitude Cafe and it helped me pray.

Here is the little blurb I had prepared from a previous talk I gave back in sophomore year of college:

Gratitude is easy when everything goes well. Like when Jesus was able to feed all

of the 5000 people on the mountain even though he only had 5 loaves of bread and

two fish. It can be hard to be grateful when things don’t go as planned. But we are

called to give thanks in all circumstances. There is an autobiography called the

Hiding Place. Two sisters are sent to a concentration camp. The bunks where these

two girls were staying was infested with lice. One of the sisters was upset about

having lice, but the other sister said that they should be grateful for everything-

even the lice. They found out later that the guards were raping all of the other girls, but not the two sisters because they had lice.

God has a plan beyond what we can understand. When everything seems like it is

falling apart that’s when God is putting things together just the way he wants it. As Mother Teresa said, “ God has not called me to be successful, he called me to be

faithful.” We have to accept that God’s will, will be done. We should accept that

because of our trust for him. It really boils down that God loves us and he wants the best for us. Even though we can’t see the big picture we should be grateful.

Later that evening I was able to talk to one of my sister's about the situation. It was humbling to be able to pray together, and give it all over to God, and trust that he is going to work through this situation.

So that joyful suffering thing. I couldn't find it in the catechism, so I'll give it my best go-

Joyful suffering means to fully acknowledge your feelings(the sadness, anger, worry), but to also have the awareness and trust that God is going to use whatever situation for his glory and for goodness. Joyful suffering is being within the fire and knowing that the pain with ease even though it will take time. Joyful suffering is hope that you will come out better on the other end.

This falls in line with the current bible study I am participating in. Father Dom is going through the Book of Revelation- which talks about the Apocalypse. We receently discussed chapters 5 & 6, which go into detail about our predestination of Glory and our disorders that were not suppressed in baptism.

We got to talking about Christ's wounds and whether or not he has them now he is in Heaven. Father Dom said that he does(and it's in the Bible when Jesus visits the disciples in the Upper Room and Thomas touches his wounds). He has his wounds because they helped him have his victory to be able to fully glorify God.

Therefore, our own wounds( our disfiguredness/disorders/insecurities) help us share in his victory if we let them. Every time we use a trial we are facing to Hope more in Christ- it is a victory of Christ and we recover a capacity of love. We choose in Hope (in Christ) to keep loving means that we choose to be fully alive(and choose to love) because of Christ.

Then this helps us with our predestination of Glory. Our mission on Earth is the same as Christ's mission- to glorify the God. We are able to glorify God when we bear fruits(John 15). When we choose to love and hope then we are able to glorify God. Christ is offering his glory when you bear your cross, and bear it in hope and trust in God.

Thank you and Happy IBD Awareness Week! 2.5 years down- a lifetime to go!

One Year Anniversary!

Happy one year anniversary to my dearest colon!!
🎊🎉🎉

I figured I would celebrate because you know that old saying about loving your enemies!....You know...Since my colon basically attacks itself...yeah...I laughed.....



It has been a year since I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis.

It's weird how something that was once so shocking is now just a part of me like my nose.

I remember sitting in the hospital bed when the doctor came in and gave me my diagnosis. It was the second time I had been in the hospital that week. Earlier I was in for a CT scan because I had intense abdominal pain in addition to a lot of other gross symptoms. They sent me home and told me to schedule a colonoscopy ASAP. I did and the symptoms didn't get any better, so my mom took me back to the hospital where I was officially admitted.

The doctor came in, said something about test results, and that I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. Then my ears turned off.

Wait.

There's something wrong with me?

"It's a chronic illness....treatments..."

Wait. 

Ulcerative Colitis?

My mom mentioned that she has a friend of a friend who has Crohn's. "Thank God it's not Crohn's!"

Wait. 

How?

"There's no known cause..."

Wait. 

I remember saying Ulcerative Colitis over and over again in my mind for days.

You know when you say a word over and over again and it loses all meaning and it just starts to sound like a weird made up noise?

This was the opposite.

These two words that I had never heard of before were now attached to me. Forever.

Ulcerative Colitis.

I couldn't bear to look into the details on the pamphlets they gave me while I was in the hospital, so I opted to finding memes. I needed something to stop my urge to cry out.

Some of my favorites where:

-They say always to "trust your gut". Have you met my gut? You don't want to trust that bastard.
-Yes? Hello. I'd like a refund on my body. It's kind of defective and really expensive.
-I'm too busy fighting my own immune system to deal with your judgmental BS.

While I was in the hospital, I felt like my Ulcerative Colitis defined me. Which is fair. I was an IBD (inflammatory bowel disease) flare patient on a post surgery recovery floor. It defined my treatment. It defined my diet. It was defining how people treated me.

Talk about a hostile takeover.

Women in my IBD support groups say that a flare is much more painful than childbirth to put it into perspective. I was in my flare starting about mid-April through July in 2017. (Thankfully, I was started on pain meds in June).

It feels weird to say that I'm in a good place about it now because it has been such a long road. Recovery was hard for several months. Treatment and medications were difficult as well. I actually lost a lot of hair for the first three months because the chemo treatment was really hard on my body. It finally started growing back around October, so that's been fun. I have had two haircuts since then and each time I have gotten the same hairdresser. She likes to point out how much it has grown.

I've really been able to come to terms with my Ulcerative Colitis. I accept it as a part of myself, but I am not defining myself by my illness. I like being able to contribute to my support groups and give people advice about going into a colonoscopy or starting Remicaid (the chemo) for the first time. I try not to let my thoughts only pertain to my IBD.

That doesn't mean it still doesn't freak me out sometimes. I've had countless nights where I've cried myself to sleep about it because I could have a flare happen at anytime really. I'm on meds that are supposed to keep me in remission, but UC affects everyone differently. And the meds could stop working at anytime. That's one of the reasons the nurses check up on me so often while I am getting my Remicaid infusions. They have to see if I am developing any new symptoms. Even when I got my February infusion, my veins in my left arm started aching, so I had to get a hot pack tied to my arm.

I was officially in remission since the beginning of last December, but it still affects me. I have to keep taking my immunosuppressants. I have to keep going to my Remicaid infusions once every two months. I have to be mindful of what I eat and what alcohol I drink. I still get worried every time I get period cramps because those aches remind me of my flare. I actual started having another flare a couple of weeks ago. Which has led to me going back to the low residue diet I was on last summer(basically no fruits or veggies).

It's weird because we always knew it was a matter of when than if. It's interesting that it has come around at this time because I've been drafting this post for a couple of months actually, so I had been mulling about what I wish I would have known or if I could go back and tell myself something. "You're going to be okay" seemed too lame and cliche. Any remarks about what I would accomplish within the next year wouldn't have helped me at all. I decided that I wish I would have told myself. " You are stronger than you know."



I try to stay updated on research and articles to try to understand what my body is doing and how my Ulcerative Colitis works. I also read articles about new medicines that are coming onto the market and different research that is looking into the possible causes of IBD (the latest I saw was a chemical that was commonly used in hand sanitizer up until 2016). It is interesting how my worldwide has expanded. I never really knew or heard about chronic illnesses or chronic pain or truly understood autoimmune diseases until last year. It's a whole different subculture of experiences that a surprising amount of people go through everyday.

I'm slowly working on building awareness of Crohn's and Colitis with my friends and family. When I do this, I am not looking for sympathy or to gain attention to myself. I am trying to bring to light issues that most people don't know about or are too ashamed of to have a conversation about it. 

As hard as this past year has been, I really wouldn't change it. I've learned who my true friends are, and I have gotten closer to my family. I have an amazing job and coworkers. I have met a bunch of new people. I gotten closer to Christ and helped lead others closer to him as well. I really can't complain. We all have our own crosses we carry through our lives. Ulcerative Colitis is just one of mine. 

2017

2017 was quite the rollercoaster of a year.

I graduated from Boise State University in May with my BBA in Marketing with Distinguished Honors from the Honor's College. I was also recognized as the Outstanding Marketing Graduate from the College of Business and Economics.

Shortly after I graduated, I was admitted to the hospital for two weeks where I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, which is an autoimmune disease that currently doesn't have a cure. I found out at the beginning of December that I currently don't have any active disease, which is the best thing I could have hoped for!

I started working at Westside Pizza this fall as the new Marketing Director. So I get to take a lot of photos of pizza and play a lot of darts with my bosses.

My family grew by two more members this year! My sister Gabby had a son, Elliott, in April, and my sister Bizz had a son, Beckett, in August. Gabby asked me to be Elliott's Godmother, and he was baptized in October! Also my best friend, Claire, had her first son a couple months ago!

I think it has been a great year.

I am thankful for everything that has happened. I think I am even the most thankful for my chronic illness even though it has been a difficult journey. It has helped show me who and what is important in my life. I know that my friends truly care about my well being. My friends and family mean the world to me because they make me forget about my illness and let me be a normal person. I also know that they are able to help be when I have to get another infusion or write me a funny card when I have to get a colonoscopy. I don't know how they do it, but when I am going through a rough time, they are able to make a little joke about it and makes me realize yet again how thankful I am to have people in my life who try to make me smile if even for a moment.

So, thank you for every smile and joke and laugh. These are the moments I live for.

Thank you for continuing to push me to be the best version of myself.
Thank you for believing in my potential.
Thank you for pulling me out of my problems and into a tea party.
Thank you for the nights that turned into mornings.
Thank you for the road trips and sing a longs.
Thank you for teaching me how to dance, to skateboard, and to do a magic trick.
Thank you for the nights spent sitting on the kitchen counters laughing.
Thank you for taking the time to listen and be there for me during the difficult moments.
Thank you for bringing peace when there was so much chaos.
Thank you for investing time no matter how much or how little.
Thank you for reaching out when I forget or get to caught up in my own world.
Thank you for believing in me.
Thank you for helping me realize that work isn't everything, and it's good to get out of my office and play a couple games of darts.
Thank you for all of the new babies because that means I get to love more amazing people!
Thank you for choosing me to be a Godmother to my adorable nephew.
Thank you for smashing pumpkins and going on random errands with me.
Thank you for surprising me and being able to catch up after many years.
Thank you for the silly Snapchats.
Thank you for taking the time to visit me!
Thank you for your music.
Thank you for the study sessions and late night party planning.
Thank you for the flowers and notes.
Thank you for the happy hours, movie nights, and game tournaments.
Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for turning me down from the market research position because I love my job!
Thank you for the 'safe space' talks.
Thank you for giving up time to make sure that I'm healthy.
Thank you for trusting my crazy, insane, fun ideas.
Thank you for your vulnerability.
Thank you for the warm hugs and even the awkward hugs.
Thank you for being my partner in crime.
Thank you for being there to celebrate my successes.
Thank you for the bike rides, runs. and star gazing.
Thank you for helping me make our house a home.
Thank you for sharing a part of your world with me.

Thank you to all of my amazing friends and family that have been a part of my life this past year! I am so grateful for each and every one of you! I know that 2018 is going to be a great year since I have you all.

Finding Out You Have a Chronic Illness

Update!! I gave a speech about this at a Holy Grounds for FirePit Ministry in 2017!

Here is a link to that talk: https://soundcloud.com/firepit-ministry/working-through-the-numbness-a-story-of-awakening-1

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“God doesn’t give the hardest battles to His toughest soldiers, He creates the toughest soldiers through life’s hardest battles.”

A month into my first summer after graduating college, I ended up in the hospital for two weeks. There I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, which is an autoimmune disease, and had a massive flare up that caused my entire colon to be inflamed.

Throughout our lives we have all gone through different trials and hardships that we have to overcome. Now, I am a very optimistic person. So usually when I am going through something hard, I am trying to figure out some kind of silver lining and learn something from the experience.

Usually people are more prone to turn to God in bad times. This was true when I first started having symptoms. I kept on praying through the difficult moments such as having to cancel plans because I was in so much pain and when I had to cut down my pride and ask my mom to come help when I simply couldn't bear it alone anymore.

When I was in the hospital, I felt so broken and dehumanized (only made slightly more bearable when I got visits from family and friends). It was hard to accept that it was possible for this to happen. It was even harder to accept that there really isn't anything that caused this disease. Ulcerative Colitis just shows up, and researchers aren't concerned with how people get it. Right now they are trying to figure out how to cure it because the only 'cure' they currently have is to remove the colon.

I have never felt so distant from God at this time. All I can use to describe the experience is numbing. I mentally didn’t want to accept that I had this disease. I physically couldn’t do anything but lay in the hospital bed for the first week, so my days were spent staring at the wall and trying to keep track of the influx of nurses, CNAs, doctors, nurse practitioners, and dietitians. My amazing mother was there with me during the days, but she was so anxious about what was going on with me that we didn’t talk that much. I was so shocked by what was going on that I simply didn’t know what to do with God.

I knew that this was just a hurdle that I had to get over and I knew that God was going to help me get through it. I kept this up for the first week even though it was a rough week. I had constant pain in my abdomen, which was about twenty times worse than period cramps. I remember asking the nurse for a heating pad, but apparently they are hard to come by in the hospital. Instead my amazing nurse came back with about twenty heat packs(little pouches you break and magically create heat), and I ended up using all of them in the entire section of the hospital I was in.Week two was more difficult because I ended up needing to get a nutritional pic line in my arm instead of just the IV fluids, and every day the doctors changed the day I was supposed to go home.

My prayer every night would start off with "Thank you for today." However, I would get upset over my current situation and my prayer would falter out. We are called to love and praise God in all circumstances, but I have never been through something like this before. It's hard to be grateful when you find out that you have chronic disease that came out of nowhere. And I’m human. It’s impossible to be joyful all the time. In the bible, Jesus was sweating blood in the Garden of Gethsemane before his crucifixion and during the crucifixion he cries out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

“No healthy Christian ever chooses suffering, he chooses God’s will, as Jesus did, whether it means suffering or not.”

God isn’t demanding that you happily praise him from the rooftops- he is calling for your faith and trust.

After two of the longest weeks of my life, I was finally discharged from the hospital.

I was extremely weak (I lost twenty pounds), and my mind was still numb from the whole ordeal. I caught myself staring at the wall too many times to count. I was put on a low residue diet (pretty much no nuts, veggies, fruits. Healthy foods can now be trigger foods that cause flares) and we figured out that my flare made me lactose intolerant, which lasted for about a month and a half.

I continued to be upset with God even though I read a lot of inspirational religious quotes on Pinterest. Throughout this time, my mom and I would talk about where we were spiritually (we were both in rough spots). So of course she went and bought a Christian movie during a grocery trip. **Side note- I don’t like Christian movies because they are very hokey and are not well done** I put off watching it for days and instead went through several seasons of Modern Family. Eventually, I could tell my mom was tired of it and wasn’t interesting in watching any action movies(we went through all the rom coms in the hospital), so we watched this movie. The Shack.

In this movie, this man’s daughter is murdered, which causes him to question everything he believes. He gets a letter to go to the place where she was killed, and he encounters the trinity. His frustration and struggle with God hit the nail on the head on where I was at. I’d have to watch it again to pick out exactly the amazing responses they had about going trials and why they happen and how God is with us through it all. Like dang. If you are ever mad at God- watch The Shack! (and have tissues nearby) Something just clicked in my mind after watching this movie and I felt like I was finally able to process everything clearly and move forward in accepting my ‘new normal’.

I realized that even though I felt distant from God, he continued to shower his love on me every day I was in the hospital. For whatever reason, I expected some kind of grand gesture from God and forgot that he works through people. One of my favorite things in the entire world is flowers. I got so many flowers from my amazing friends and family throughout my stay that we couldn't fit them on the counter anymore! I had friends come in and visit me, and my best friends were constantly messaging me to help keep up my spirits. On my worst day, I got a call from one of my aunts in California, and the hospital therapy dog came to visit.

Since I've been out of the hospital and finally felt like I was getting my mind back, I was finally able to process what happened and try to learn something from it. This is what I've gleaned so far:

1. I realized that I really dislike making people sad. Telling someone that you are sick and in the hospital is not something anyone should have to go through. I have always tried to live with the belief that no one should leave you feeling unhappy.  
2. Nurses are such a blessing, and I am grateful for them on a whole new level! 
3. Change is a fact of life, but how you react is what matters.

There were a lot of things that helped me during my recovery from the hospital such as listening to Father Mike Schmitz talks, finding other people with autoimmune diseases, and being able to be back in the world through simple tasks such as going to mass or grocery shopping or riding my bike.

Now, I am taking medication that is supposed to help, and I am getting a form of chemo every two months to make my body stop attacking itself. It seems to be working so far, and I haven't had any major symptoms in months! If you really want to know more about the other aspects of UC, I have attached a couple of videos below that helped me process what it is. However, no two UC cases are similar, so the symptoms/flares vary from person to person.

I don't know why I got this disease, and I may never fully understand. I do know that I am surrounded by amazing friends and family who love and care about me. I know that God never abandons you when you are suffering or distressed.

I will leave you with a quick story by Mary Stevenson that I have on one of my prayer journals.

"One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints. Other times there was one set of footprints. This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints. So I said to the Lord, "You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, You would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed You most, You have not been there for me?" The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I carried you."