Joyful Suffering : ( :

I've been trying to figure out what I want to talk about this year for IBD Awareness week and the 2nd anniversary of being officially in remission from Ulcerative Colitis.

In conjunction with other life events, I think the most fitting topic is joyful suffering.

Speakers give talks about it at conferences and retreats, but they never made sense to me. Truly the only thought that would come to mind is the Harry Potter scene in the Prisoner of Azkaban where Ron says, " You're going to suffer, but you'll be happy about it." I always left those talks more confused with the idea that joyful suffering meant that whenever something bad happens, you are supposed to have this big smile on your face.

I do not think that anymore.

I am part of a small women's faith group over this past year, and I have had the opportunity to make friends with another lady who also has a chronic illness. It has been lovely to bond over digestive issues, food restrictions, and current medications. We were talking at one of our women's group nights about our illnesses, and she mentioned that she is grateful that she has her illness because she knows she can handle it. I wholeheartedly agreed with her. I even refer to my journey as a cleansing fire because it sorted out the people and decisions in my life, and helped me recenter on what is important in life.

Then skip ahead a couple weeks to another women's group I was hosting that I felt like was going off the rails(but really it was going exactly where the Holy Spirit was leading) and I found myself at the end of the night going through the Catechism of the Catholic Church. I was in a super deep dive after everyone left, and I found myself looking up the Anointing of the Sick sacrament. While I was in the hospital when I was first diagnosed June 2017, my priest visited me and gave me the Anointing of the Sick(which is supposed to be one of the last things that a priest does before someone dies, but it can be given in other instances).

I don't need to get in the nitty gritty of the sacrament if you want to brush up on it here is an online version: http://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/_INDEX.HTM

But here is what it says about the Effects fo the Celebration of This Sacrament[Anointing of the Sick]
1520
A particular give of the Holy Spirit. The first grace of this sacrament is one of strengthening, peace, and courage to overcome the difficulties that go with the condition of serious illness or the frailty of old age...
1521
Union with the passion of Christ... Suffering, a consequence of original sin, acquire a new meaning; it becomes a participation in the saving work of Jesus.
1522
An ecclesial grace... By celebrating this sacrament the Church, in communion of saints, intercedes for the benefit of the sick person, and she for her part, through the grace of this sacrament, contributes to the sanctification of the Church and to the good of all men for whom the Church suffers and offers herself through Christ to God the Father.

Now what does that mean?

No idea. lol it does make me feel like I have some BA superpowers though.

I found it consoling as to the experience I've had with my illness and I do think that I got another dose of the Holy Spirit that has helped me come to terms with my illness and understand Jesus's passion on the cross.

I got to thinking about joyful suffering in relation to Jesus's passion and how I could apply it to my own life.

I don't think this is something you can really advise someone when they are going through a hard time. I think that you honestly have to work up to it spiritually or else it doesn't make sense.

I didn't know that I even could do joyful suffering until recently, and I don't even know if I'm doing it 'right'.

My family is going through a hard time where there is a lot of pain and confusion.

When I found out what was going on, all I could think to God is why? Which is the same question I had when I got my diagnosis. Why me? Why now? Why this?

This time, I could actually talk to God about it. I ended up going up into the foothills and watched the sun set over the horizon and just pray. All I could think about is St. Faustina. Lord, I trust in You. Lord, I trust in You. Over and Over again until I could somewhat believe what I was saying.

I drove home and got to thinking about the theology on tap the next night and was deciding whether or not to go to it. The topic of the evening was "Gratitude Cafe" a night of gratitude for the Thanksgiving spirit. I didn't know if I would go. I did not feel grateful for the situation I found myself a part in. I brought myself to read the small except I had prepared for the Gratitude Cafe and it helped me pray.

Here is the little blurb I had prepared from a previous talk I gave back in sophomore year of college:

Gratitude is easy when everything goes well. Like when Jesus was able to feed all

of the 5000 people on the mountain even though he only had 5 loaves of bread and

two fish. It can be hard to be grateful when things don’t go as planned. But we are

called to give thanks in all circumstances. There is an autobiography called the

Hiding Place. Two sisters are sent to a concentration camp. The bunks where these

two girls were staying was infested with lice. One of the sisters was upset about

having lice, but the other sister said that they should be grateful for everything-

even the lice. They found out later that the guards were raping all of the other girls, but not the two sisters because they had lice.

God has a plan beyond what we can understand. When everything seems like it is

falling apart that’s when God is putting things together just the way he wants it. As Mother Teresa said, “ God has not called me to be successful, he called me to be

faithful.” We have to accept that God’s will, will be done. We should accept that

because of our trust for him. It really boils down that God loves us and he wants the best for us. Even though we can’t see the big picture we should be grateful.

Later that evening I was able to talk to one of my sister's about the situation. It was humbling to be able to pray together, and give it all over to God, and trust that he is going to work through this situation.

So that joyful suffering thing. I couldn't find it in the catechism, so I'll give it my best go-

Joyful suffering means to fully acknowledge your feelings(the sadness, anger, worry), but to also have the awareness and trust that God is going to use whatever situation for his glory and for goodness. Joyful suffering is being within the fire and knowing that the pain with ease even though it will take time. Joyful suffering is hope that you will come out better on the other end.

This falls in line with the current bible study I am participating in. Father Dom is going through the Book of Revelation- which talks about the Apocalypse. We receently discussed chapters 5 & 6, which go into detail about our predestination of Glory and our disorders that were not suppressed in baptism.

We got to talking about Christ's wounds and whether or not he has them now he is in Heaven. Father Dom said that he does(and it's in the Bible when Jesus visits the disciples in the Upper Room and Thomas touches his wounds). He has his wounds because they helped him have his victory to be able to fully glorify God.

Therefore, our own wounds( our disfiguredness/disorders/insecurities) help us share in his victory if we let them. Every time we use a trial we are facing to Hope more in Christ- it is a victory of Christ and we recover a capacity of love. We choose in Hope (in Christ) to keep loving means that we choose to be fully alive(and choose to love) because of Christ.

Then this helps us with our predestination of Glory. Our mission on Earth is the same as Christ's mission- to glorify the God. We are able to glorify God when we bear fruits(John 15). When we choose to love and hope then we are able to glorify God. Christ is offering his glory when you bear your cross, and bear it in hope and trust in God.

Thank you and Happy IBD Awareness Week! 2.5 years down- a lifetime to go!

One Year Anniversary!

Happy one year anniversary to my dearest colon!!
🎊🎉🎉

I figured I would celebrate because you know that old saying about loving your enemies!....You know...Since my colon basically attacks itself...yeah...I laughed.....



It has been a year since I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis.

It's weird how something that was once so shocking is now just a part of me like my nose.

I remember sitting in the hospital bed when the doctor came in and gave me my diagnosis. It was the second time I had been in the hospital that week. Earlier I was in for a CT scan because I had intense abdominal pain in addition to a lot of other gross symptoms. They sent me home and told me to schedule a colonoscopy ASAP. I did and the symptoms didn't get any better, so my mom took me back to the hospital where I was officially admitted.

The doctor came in, said something about test results, and that I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. Then my ears turned off.

Wait.

There's something wrong with me?

"It's a chronic illness....treatments..."

Wait. 

Ulcerative Colitis?

My mom mentioned that she has a friend of a friend who has Crohn's. "Thank God it's not Crohn's!"

Wait. 

How?

"There's no known cause..."

Wait. 

I remember saying Ulcerative Colitis over and over again in my mind for days.

You know when you say a word over and over again and it loses all meaning and it just starts to sound like a weird made up noise?

This was the opposite.

These two words that I had never heard of before were now attached to me. Forever.

Ulcerative Colitis.

I couldn't bear to look into the details on the pamphlets they gave me while I was in the hospital, so I opted to finding memes. I needed something to stop my urge to cry out.

Some of my favorites where:

-They say always to "trust your gut". Have you met my gut? You don't want to trust that bastard.
-Yes? Hello. I'd like a refund on my body. It's kind of defective and really expensive.
-I'm too busy fighting my own immune system to deal with your judgmental BS.

While I was in the hospital, I felt like my Ulcerative Colitis defined me. Which is fair. I was an IBD (inflammatory bowel disease) flare patient on a post surgery recovery floor. It defined my treatment. It defined my diet. It was defining how people treated me.

Talk about a hostile takeover.

Women in my IBD support groups say that a flare is much more painful than childbirth to put it into perspective. I was in my flare starting about mid-April through July in 2017. (Thankfully, I was started on pain meds in June).

It feels weird to say that I'm in a good place about it now because it has been such a long road. Recovery was hard for several months. Treatment and medications were difficult as well. I actually lost a lot of hair for the first three months because the chemo treatment was really hard on my body. It finally started growing back around October, so that's been fun. I have had two haircuts since then and each time I have gotten the same hairdresser. She likes to point out how much it has grown.

I've really been able to come to terms with my Ulcerative Colitis. I accept it as a part of myself, but I am not defining myself by my illness. I like being able to contribute to my support groups and give people advice about going into a colonoscopy or starting Remicaid (the chemo) for the first time. I try not to let my thoughts only pertain to my IBD.

That doesn't mean it still doesn't freak me out sometimes. I've had countless nights where I've cried myself to sleep about it because I could have a flare happen at anytime really. I'm on meds that are supposed to keep me in remission, but UC affects everyone differently. And the meds could stop working at anytime. That's one of the reasons the nurses check up on me so often while I am getting my Remicaid infusions. They have to see if I am developing any new symptoms. Even when I got my February infusion, my veins in my left arm started aching, so I had to get a hot pack tied to my arm.

I was officially in remission since the beginning of last December, but it still affects me. I have to keep taking my immunosuppressants. I have to keep going to my Remicaid infusions once every two months. I have to be mindful of what I eat and what alcohol I drink. I still get worried every time I get period cramps because those aches remind me of my flare. I actual started having another flare a couple of weeks ago. Which has led to me going back to the low residue diet I was on last summer(basically no fruits or veggies).

It's weird because we always knew it was a matter of when than if. It's interesting that it has come around at this time because I've been drafting this post for a couple of months actually, so I had been mulling about what I wish I would have known or if I could go back and tell myself something. "You're going to be okay" seemed too lame and cliche. Any remarks about what I would accomplish within the next year wouldn't have helped me at all. I decided that I wish I would have told myself. " You are stronger than you know."



I try to stay updated on research and articles to try to understand what my body is doing and how my Ulcerative Colitis works. I also read articles about new medicines that are coming onto the market and different research that is looking into the possible causes of IBD (the latest I saw was a chemical that was commonly used in hand sanitizer up until 2016). It is interesting how my worldwide has expanded. I never really knew or heard about chronic illnesses or chronic pain or truly understood autoimmune diseases until last year. It's a whole different subculture of experiences that a surprising amount of people go through everyday.

I'm slowly working on building awareness of Crohn's and Colitis with my friends and family. When I do this, I am not looking for sympathy or to gain attention to myself. I am trying to bring to light issues that most people don't know about or are too ashamed of to have a conversation about it. 

As hard as this past year has been, I really wouldn't change it. I've learned who my true friends are, and I have gotten closer to my family. I have an amazing job and coworkers. I have met a bunch of new people. I gotten closer to Christ and helped lead others closer to him as well. I really can't complain. We all have our own crosses we carry through our lives. Ulcerative Colitis is just one of mine.