One Year Anniversary!

Happy one year anniversary to my dearest colon!!
🎊🎉🎉

I figured I would celebrate because you know that old saying about loving your enemies!....You know...Since my colon basically attacks itself...yeah...I laughed.....



It has been a year since I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis.

It's weird how something that was once so shocking is now just a part of me like my nose.

I remember sitting in the hospital bed when the doctor came in and gave me my diagnosis. It was the second time I had been in the hospital that week. Earlier I was in for a CT scan because I had intense abdominal pain in addition to a lot of other gross symptoms. They sent me home and told me to schedule a colonoscopy ASAP. I did and the symptoms didn't get any better, so my mom took me back to the hospital where I was officially admitted.

The doctor came in, said something about test results, and that I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. Then my ears turned off.

Wait.

There's something wrong with me?

"It's a chronic illness....treatments..."

Wait. 

Ulcerative Colitis?

My mom mentioned that she has a friend of a friend who has Crohn's. "Thank God it's not Crohn's!"

Wait. 

How?

"There's no known cause..."

Wait. 

I remember saying Ulcerative Colitis over and over again in my mind for days.

You know when you say a word over and over again and it loses all meaning and it just starts to sound like a weird made up noise?

This was the opposite.

These two words that I had never heard of before were now attached to me. Forever.

Ulcerative Colitis.

I couldn't bear to look into the details on the pamphlets they gave me while I was in the hospital, so I opted to finding memes. I needed something to stop my urge to cry out.

Some of my favorites where:

-They say always to "trust your gut". Have you met my gut? You don't want to trust that bastard.
-Yes? Hello. I'd like a refund on my body. It's kind of defective and really expensive.
-I'm too busy fighting my own immune system to deal with your judgmental BS.

While I was in the hospital, I felt like my Ulcerative Colitis defined me. Which is fair. I was an IBD (inflammatory bowel disease) flare patient on a post surgery recovery floor. It defined my treatment. It defined my diet. It was defining how people treated me.

Talk about a hostile takeover.

Women in my IBD support groups say that a flare is much more painful than childbirth to put it into perspective. I was in my flare starting about mid-April through July in 2017. (Thankfully, I was started on pain meds in June).

It feels weird to say that I'm in a good place about it now because it has been such a long road. Recovery was hard for several months. Treatment and medications were difficult as well. I actually lost a lot of hair for the first three months because the chemo treatment was really hard on my body. It finally started growing back around October, so that's been fun. I have had two haircuts since then and each time I have gotten the same hairdresser. She likes to point out how much it has grown.

I've really been able to come to terms with my Ulcerative Colitis. I accept it as a part of myself, but I am not defining myself by my illness. I like being able to contribute to my support groups and give people advice about going into a colonoscopy or starting Remicaid (the chemo) for the first time. I try not to let my thoughts only pertain to my IBD.

That doesn't mean it still doesn't freak me out sometimes. I've had countless nights where I've cried myself to sleep about it because I could have a flare happen at anytime really. I'm on meds that are supposed to keep me in remission, but UC affects everyone differently. And the meds could stop working at anytime. That's one of the reasons the nurses check up on me so often while I am getting my Remicaid infusions. They have to see if I am developing any new symptoms. Even when I got my February infusion, my veins in my left arm started aching, so I had to get a hot pack tied to my arm.

I was officially in remission since the beginning of last December, but it still affects me. I have to keep taking my immunosuppressants. I have to keep going to my Remicaid infusions once every two months. I have to be mindful of what I eat and what alcohol I drink. I still get worried every time I get period cramps because those aches remind me of my flare. I actual started having another flare a couple of weeks ago. Which has led to me going back to the low residue diet I was on last summer(basically no fruits or veggies).

It's weird because we always knew it was a matter of when than if. It's interesting that it has come around at this time because I've been drafting this post for a couple of months actually, so I had been mulling about what I wish I would have known or if I could go back and tell myself something. "You're going to be okay" seemed too lame and cliche. Any remarks about what I would accomplish within the next year wouldn't have helped me at all. I decided that I wish I would have told myself. " You are stronger than you know."



I try to stay updated on research and articles to try to understand what my body is doing and how my Ulcerative Colitis works. I also read articles about new medicines that are coming onto the market and different research that is looking into the possible causes of IBD (the latest I saw was a chemical that was commonly used in hand sanitizer up until 2016). It is interesting how my worldwide has expanded. I never really knew or heard about chronic illnesses or chronic pain or truly understood autoimmune diseases until last year. It's a whole different subculture of experiences that a surprising amount of people go through everyday.

I'm slowly working on building awareness of Crohn's and Colitis with my friends and family. When I do this, I am not looking for sympathy or to gain attention to myself. I am trying to bring to light issues that most people don't know about or are too ashamed of to have a conversation about it. 

As hard as this past year has been, I really wouldn't change it. I've learned who my true friends are, and I have gotten closer to my family. I have an amazing job and coworkers. I have met a bunch of new people. I gotten closer to Christ and helped lead others closer to him as well. I really can't complain. We all have our own crosses we carry through our lives. Ulcerative Colitis is just one of mine. 

The Difference In a Year

Graduation is all about change. I could take on and on about the changes that have happened over the past year(I actually have. If you want to listen to it, go to https://soundcloud.com/firepit-ministry/working-through-the-numbness-a-story-of-awakening-1). Having a chronic illness makes you realize what is truly important. I place a high value on all of my relationships and the people I chose to have in my life and the people who chose to have me in theirs.

On a broader sense, what is important is how you respond to the change you are going to face as you move forward.

Plans change. Jobs fall through. Illnesses occur. Babies get born. You learn to build yourself from the ground up. For me the most important thing has been laying a foundation of faith and relationship with God. Luckily, I have had years of faith formation that started with my family, high school youth group, and being involved with Bronco Catholic.

Again, it really took a slap in the face to realize that you don't have to be doing everything to still lead a meaningful life. I had to out out working certain places and cut out different faith ministries that I wasn't getting any joy from(I just felt like I had to participate because I technically had the time to go to it). I had to find my balance.

It's amazing how freeing it is to finally feel like all the different aspects of your life are in balance. I have a good grip on my work and I make sure to turn off my work brain after I clock out. I try to go to daily mass twice a week, have adoration once a week, and go to Sunday mass. Some weeks I leave open my Thursdays to have a drink with my coworkers. Every other week I meet up with my prayer group from the First Spiritual Exercises and we catch up and grow in our faith together. I continue to go to Theology on Taps and am now the Communications Director for FirePit ministry(http://firepit-ministry.com/).

I know a bunch of seniors that are graduating this year -Monica, Janelle, Emily, Ian- I am so proud to first of all call you my friends. You have all helped me grow so much and I am awed by what amazing, spiritual people you all are. You have helped me through the rough times and you have celebrated with me during the good times ( and I with you). You are all great examples of what it means to be a friend and a follower of Christ. I advise you to continue to follow your heart and pray that you will be able to follow God's will to wherever he will take you. I know that you will all go on to accomplish amazing things. You already have at your short time at college, so you can't even imagine what God is going to do with your life going forward.


It's impossible to be ready for what God is going to do in your life, but you can be open to the goodness and grace he has in store for you if you just keep your faith. 

The End of a Journal...

Today, I finished writing in the last page of my journal. This is the first journal I have ever fully completed.

Prominently on the front of my journal is the phrase, "Adventure Awaits". Oh boy. When I started this journal, I had no idea what adventures awaited me in the coming two and a half years.

I got this journal with the intention of filling it with all of my study abroad escapades. The castles to be discovered- the languages learned- the people I met. Of course, I do have all of my Irish adventures nicely chronicled. However, that semester in a foreign land only took up half of my notebook. It wasn't until seven months later when I would pick up writing in this journal for a different reason.

I started writing on August 29, 2015. I remember finally arriving at my sister's flat in Oxford and settling into my room after staying up watching Rush Hour to combat jet lag.

It's interesting to look back and see exactly how I felt about all of the new experiences and new places I was seeing. I like being able to have a physical memory of what happened and where I was on a certain day and who was there. I love seeing who I shared my time with and what my first impressions were of everyone.

It's amazing to basically have an autobiography of a time of my life that I believe was integral of helping me become the person I am.

However, and I've mentioned this to people before, my faith life had never been so dry as when I was in Ireland. Catholicism is engrained in the culture and architecture, but to actually feel alive in your faith and community is rare in the communities I was apart of. I was lucky to have a very religious roommate who would go to church with me, have the occasional religious debate, and eventually teach me about how cool Jesuits really were.

I put my faith on the back burner, and it was only when I came back into the states that I realized how important it was to integrate faith back into my life. I have a break in my journal during this time. I did take my position as a photographer SCM, so I had to go to all of the events. Then I also joined my first ever bible study that was lead by our first Jesuit novice, Peter.

When I did pick up my journal again, it was July 28, 2016. I labeled this entry as, "The start of a Prayer Journal". I also have the code to the perpetual adoration chapel scribbled in the margin. I never knew that there was such a thing as perpetual adoration. My only experience of adoration before was during retreats such as ICYC with a thousand other young Catholics or when my mom would drag me out of bed to go with her to the chapel in the morning(when I didn't pretend to be asleep).

I remember the ordeal of going to the adoration chapel for the first time. 1. I didn't know where it was. 2. I had to ask two different people where it was. 3. When I actually got into the chapel, I didn't know to open the tabernacle. So I had an awkward moment when an old lady came in later, gave me a weird look, opened the tabernacle doors, and went to go sit down.

Here's my first entry of my prayer journal:

God, I have never felt so lost.

How am I supposed to know what is happening in the hearts of others? How are you working in them? How are to play a role in my life? I believe that you place people in our lives for specific reasons. To help us. To hurt us. To teach us. To love us. I wish I was better at being able to decipher the signs to know how the people in my life are going to help me in the life you have given me. 

I feel so lost. I don't feel abandoned, but I feel like I am working on a puzzle and you know exactly how to solve it and you are just waiting for me to figure it out because you know it's best that way. 

I am so scared that I'm going to get it wrong. 

I think I have been forgetting to pray about Peace. Or that I have been looking for Peace in the wrong places/people instead of looking for Peace in you. I have been trying to validate myself in others that seeing my flaws and strengths as a reflection of you. 

Sometimes I feel like I am so alone. I have been trying to find peace in who I am through other people. However, that is incomplete peace. 

One time when I experienced complete peace was when I visited the Galway Cathedral. I was completely in love with who I was, where God was taking me, and knew that God wanted me to experience these things. 

I don't know if I have truly been at peace at all this year. I have been happy, yes, but I have been at peace with anything. 2016 started with me getting back to the states, moving across the state, starting new classes, trying to fit back in at St Pauls, juggling two internships, and wedding road trips. Then this summer has been trying to find joy in the monotony and putting a lot of effort into my friendships. 

Don't get me wrong - I am completely in love with my life. I think I have been focusing on the wrong things. 

I have loved being able to capture my adventures in faith in the second half of my journal. I am able to see my struggles and joys. One thing we talk about in my prayer group a lot is that it is easier to see the hand of God when you look back. You are able to see how everything you went through lead you to where you are today.

One thing I started doing in the second half as well was taking notes during bible studies and talks or commenting about different bible passages I read. I also like to write down things my prayer group say that speak to my heart.

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. Be more open and pay attention to your feelings. You know that you can pull over and breathe. 

Let go and put GOD in the center

Is God's dream for you
1. What you are?
2. WHO you are? <3 

Hell is the difference between choosing to love the self vs to love God. 

As a Catholic, I believe that we are all made in the image and likeness of God. So I am able to notice a glimmer of God's goodness and love through other people and I believe that God speaks to me through other people. I love being able to see how my faith life integrates with the rest of my life.

As a contrast from where I started in my prayer journal, here is part of an entry I wrote on February 19, 2018:

Dear God, 
     Am I on the right path? If I am - please keep encouraging me. If I am not - please disrupt me and help me right my wrongs. 

Please help me continue to discern where my heart is and discover my true motivations. Help me become more attentive to Your path and do Good with my life and my actions. 

As important as it is to record your adventures, I think being able to see my life through my faith lens helps me understand how I want to live my life in the future and how everything I do fits into pursuing God's willing and helping others do so as well.

But What Do You Do?

I have luckily been the Marketing Director for Westside Pizza for about five months now. I really love my job and I actually enjoy going into work during the week. I love talking about how awesome my job is which includes highlights of playing darts with my hilarious bosses and doing photoshoots with pizza. As much as people know that my job is "a good job" they have no idea what a marketing director does.

People ask what I do on a day to day basis; however, my job isn't a typical 9-5. I should start off with saying that I don't work on Mondays and our work day start at 10. Yes. You are allowed to feel jealous. :P 

On Tuesdays, we have our group meeting. I meet with my bosses and we talk about how our projects are doing and what needs to get done this week. After our meeting we work for a couple hours and then we have a dart tournament to see who gets to pick where we get to eat for our weekly office lunch. 

Now the actual work bit. 

First, I clock into work. Then I check the social media accounts and see if I need to respond to anything or put out new content. I respond to emails about menu proofs or questions from franchisees or sales people.

Next, I get to work on whatever project I have going on. The project depends on where we are in our promotion cycle. If a new promotion is coming up, my day consists of a lot of planning, graphic design, photography, designing emails. 

When I am done with the next promotion, I have time to work on other projects! That can range from fixing something on our website to creating TV menu slides to compiling a marketing report to
editing footage. I was working on upgrading our app for the past several months, which included getting certain rights and certificates and now we're on to the next to continue to improve and help our consumers. I have also been working on a project to help my bosses rate how our franchisees are doing. I have worked on several internal projects to help certain aspects run smoother. I help with the set up of new locations with regards to setting up their Facebook, Website, Menu, and App. 

At the end the month I go over reports with my boss to see how our promotions are doing and we analysis the effectiveness of what we are doing.

I am also continually seeking out new marketing opportunities for us to try out. I think this is one of the hardest parts of my job because you can't tell if something is going to work until after you try it. So we could be throwing our money down a drain and not know it until months later. 

2017

2017 was quite the rollercoaster of a year.

I graduated from Boise State University in May with my BBA in Marketing with Distinguished Honors from the Honor's College. I was also recognized as the Outstanding Marketing Graduate from the College of Business and Economics.

Shortly after I graduated, I was admitted to the hospital for two weeks where I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, which is an autoimmune disease that currently doesn't have a cure. I found out at the beginning of December that I currently don't have any active disease, which is the best thing I could have hoped for!

I started working at Westside Pizza this fall as the new Marketing Director. So I get to take a lot of photos of pizza and play a lot of darts with my bosses.

My family grew by two more members this year! My sister Gabby had a son, Elliott, in April, and my sister Bizz had a son, Beckett, in August. Gabby asked me to be Elliott's Godmother, and he was baptized in October! Also my best friend, Claire, had her first son a couple months ago!

I think it has been a great year.

I am thankful for everything that has happened. I think I am even the most thankful for my chronic illness even though it has been a difficult journey. It has helped show me who and what is important in my life. I know that my friends truly care about my well being. My friends and family mean the world to me because they make me forget about my illness and let me be a normal person. I also know that they are able to help be when I have to get another infusion or write me a funny card when I have to get a colonoscopy. I don't know how they do it, but when I am going through a rough time, they are able to make a little joke about it and makes me realize yet again how thankful I am to have people in my life who try to make me smile if even for a moment.

So, thank you for every smile and joke and laugh. These are the moments I live for.

Thank you for continuing to push me to be the best version of myself.
Thank you for believing in my potential.
Thank you for pulling me out of my problems and into a tea party.
Thank you for the nights that turned into mornings.
Thank you for the road trips and sing a longs.
Thank you for teaching me how to dance, to skateboard, and to do a magic trick.
Thank you for the nights spent sitting on the kitchen counters laughing.
Thank you for taking the time to listen and be there for me during the difficult moments.
Thank you for bringing peace when there was so much chaos.
Thank you for investing time no matter how much or how little.
Thank you for reaching out when I forget or get to caught up in my own world.
Thank you for believing in me.
Thank you for helping me realize that work isn't everything, and it's good to get out of my office and play a couple games of darts.
Thank you for all of the new babies because that means I get to love more amazing people!
Thank you for choosing me to be a Godmother to my adorable nephew.
Thank you for smashing pumpkins and going on random errands with me.
Thank you for surprising me and being able to catch up after many years.
Thank you for the silly Snapchats.
Thank you for taking the time to visit me!
Thank you for your music.
Thank you for the study sessions and late night party planning.
Thank you for the flowers and notes.
Thank you for the happy hours, movie nights, and game tournaments.
Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for turning me down from the market research position because I love my job!
Thank you for the 'safe space' talks.
Thank you for giving up time to make sure that I'm healthy.
Thank you for trusting my crazy, insane, fun ideas.
Thank you for your vulnerability.
Thank you for the warm hugs and even the awkward hugs.
Thank you for being my partner in crime.
Thank you for being there to celebrate my successes.
Thank you for the bike rides, runs. and star gazing.
Thank you for helping me make our house a home.
Thank you for sharing a part of your world with me.

Thank you to all of my amazing friends and family that have been a part of my life this past year! I am so grateful for each and every one of you! I know that 2018 is going to be a great year since I have you all.

Focus on What Matters

I'm on my fourth go around with the First Spiritual Exercises by St. Ignatius. This time I am doing the Inner Peace in Friendship with Jesus retreat. In this retreat in daily life, he has you pray with objects to deepen your relationship and heighten your prayer experience. Today we had to pray with a bowl of dirt. 

I grabbed a plant in my house because it is cold and I didn't want to get dirt from outside. As I was doing the blessing, I remembered that my brother gave me this mini rose bush while I was in the hospital. I remembered how disconnected I was from the outside world and how I would try to glean as much information from my friends and family who came to visit. Even if it was just the weather outside since I couldn't even see through a window. 

It reminded me of the importance of being an active participate in life. To be out in nature. To spend time with friends and family. To use the gifts God has given me. To spend my days making other people happy. 

The last couple of months I have noticed that when I am talking with someone, even just for a little while, I am completely checked in or at least more often. Ultimately, my job doesn't matter or how much time I spend working out or how well I can bake. 

Relationships are what matter. 

God created a lot of things, but man has always been his best work-Especially woman because he finally stopped creating ;)- God even came down and became man because he loved us so much. So why wouldn't you want to spend time listening to people and discussing their life/experiences/hardships. Each person on this planet is a reflection of God. Even if you don't get along with them or if they don't share the same beliefs or if they are an energy vampire and a complete bore to talk to. 

God has you-and them- here for a reason. There is a reason each and every day. 

Growing up, I always heard, "Jesus died for me." In my mind, I made it self centered. I focused on the ME. He cares about ME. He loves ME. A couple of weeks ago at mass I had the revelation that Jesus didn't just die for me. He died for you. And the homeless man in the park. And the girl who called you a slut. He died for all of us. He died for all of our sins because he loves each and every one of us.  

Finding Out You Have a Chronic Illness

Update!! I gave a speech about this at a Holy Grounds for FirePit Ministry in 2017!

Here is a link to that talk: https://soundcloud.com/firepit-ministry/working-through-the-numbness-a-story-of-awakening-1

------------------------------------------------

“God doesn’t give the hardest battles to His toughest soldiers, He creates the toughest soldiers through life’s hardest battles.”

A month into my first summer after graduating college, I ended up in the hospital for two weeks. There I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, which is an autoimmune disease, and had a massive flare up that caused my entire colon to be inflamed.

Throughout our lives we have all gone through different trials and hardships that we have to overcome. Now, I am a very optimistic person. So usually when I am going through something hard, I am trying to figure out some kind of silver lining and learn something from the experience.

Usually people are more prone to turn to God in bad times. This was true when I first started having symptoms. I kept on praying through the difficult moments such as having to cancel plans because I was in so much pain and when I had to cut down my pride and ask my mom to come help when I simply couldn't bear it alone anymore.

When I was in the hospital, I felt so broken and dehumanized (only made slightly more bearable when I got visits from family and friends). It was hard to accept that it was possible for this to happen. It was even harder to accept that there really isn't anything that caused this disease. Ulcerative Colitis just shows up, and researchers aren't concerned with how people get it. Right now they are trying to figure out how to cure it because the only 'cure' they currently have is to remove the colon.

I have never felt so distant from God at this time. All I can use to describe the experience is numbing. I mentally didn’t want to accept that I had this disease. I physically couldn’t do anything but lay in the hospital bed for the first week, so my days were spent staring at the wall and trying to keep track of the influx of nurses, CNAs, doctors, nurse practitioners, and dietitians. My amazing mother was there with me during the days, but she was so anxious about what was going on with me that we didn’t talk that much. I was so shocked by what was going on that I simply didn’t know what to do with God.

I knew that this was just a hurdle that I had to get over and I knew that God was going to help me get through it. I kept this up for the first week even though it was a rough week. I had constant pain in my abdomen, which was about twenty times worse than period cramps. I remember asking the nurse for a heating pad, but apparently they are hard to come by in the hospital. Instead my amazing nurse came back with about twenty heat packs(little pouches you break and magically create heat), and I ended up using all of them in the entire section of the hospital I was in.Week two was more difficult because I ended up needing to get a nutritional pic line in my arm instead of just the IV fluids, and every day the doctors changed the day I was supposed to go home.

My prayer every night would start off with "Thank you for today." However, I would get upset over my current situation and my prayer would falter out. We are called to love and praise God in all circumstances, but I have never been through something like this before. It's hard to be grateful when you find out that you have chronic disease that came out of nowhere. And I’m human. It’s impossible to be joyful all the time. In the bible, Jesus was sweating blood in the Garden of Gethsemane before his crucifixion and during the crucifixion he cries out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

“No healthy Christian ever chooses suffering, he chooses God’s will, as Jesus did, whether it means suffering or not.”

God isn’t demanding that you happily praise him from the rooftops- he is calling for your faith and trust.

After two of the longest weeks of my life, I was finally discharged from the hospital.

I was extremely weak (I lost twenty pounds), and my mind was still numb from the whole ordeal. I caught myself staring at the wall too many times to count. I was put on a low residue diet (pretty much no nuts, veggies, fruits. Healthy foods can now be trigger foods that cause flares) and we figured out that my flare made me lactose intolerant, which lasted for about a month and a half.

I continued to be upset with God even though I read a lot of inspirational religious quotes on Pinterest. Throughout this time, my mom and I would talk about where we were spiritually (we were both in rough spots). So of course she went and bought a Christian movie during a grocery trip. **Side note- I don’t like Christian movies because they are very hokey and are not well done** I put off watching it for days and instead went through several seasons of Modern Family. Eventually, I could tell my mom was tired of it and wasn’t interesting in watching any action movies(we went through all the rom coms in the hospital), so we watched this movie. The Shack.

In this movie, this man’s daughter is murdered, which causes him to question everything he believes. He gets a letter to go to the place where she was killed, and he encounters the trinity. His frustration and struggle with God hit the nail on the head on where I was at. I’d have to watch it again to pick out exactly the amazing responses they had about going trials and why they happen and how God is with us through it all. Like dang. If you are ever mad at God- watch The Shack! (and have tissues nearby) Something just clicked in my mind after watching this movie and I felt like I was finally able to process everything clearly and move forward in accepting my ‘new normal’.

I realized that even though I felt distant from God, he continued to shower his love on me every day I was in the hospital. For whatever reason, I expected some kind of grand gesture from God and forgot that he works through people. One of my favorite things in the entire world is flowers. I got so many flowers from my amazing friends and family throughout my stay that we couldn't fit them on the counter anymore! I had friends come in and visit me, and my best friends were constantly messaging me to help keep up my spirits. On my worst day, I got a call from one of my aunts in California, and the hospital therapy dog came to visit.

Since I've been out of the hospital and finally felt like I was getting my mind back, I was finally able to process what happened and try to learn something from it. This is what I've gleaned so far:

1. I realized that I really dislike making people sad. Telling someone that you are sick and in the hospital is not something anyone should have to go through. I have always tried to live with the belief that no one should leave you feeling unhappy.  
2. Nurses are such a blessing, and I am grateful for them on a whole new level! 
3. Change is a fact of life, but how you react is what matters.

There were a lot of things that helped me during my recovery from the hospital such as listening to Father Mike Schmitz talks, finding other people with autoimmune diseases, and being able to be back in the world through simple tasks such as going to mass or grocery shopping or riding my bike.

Now, I am taking medication that is supposed to help, and I am getting a form of chemo every two months to make my body stop attacking itself. It seems to be working so far, and I haven't had any major symptoms in months! If you really want to know more about the other aspects of UC, I have attached a couple of videos below that helped me process what it is. However, no two UC cases are similar, so the symptoms/flares vary from person to person.

I don't know why I got this disease, and I may never fully understand. I do know that I am surrounded by amazing friends and family who love and care about me. I know that God never abandons you when you are suffering or distressed.

I will leave you with a quick story by Mary Stevenson that I have on one of my prayer journals.

"One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints. Other times there was one set of footprints. This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints. So I said to the Lord, "You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, You would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed You most, You have not been there for me?" The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I carried you."