Why I don’t photograph everything.

With my last post, one might think that I should take pictures of everything at all times.

But that is not true.

I photograph to encapsulate a moment. To keep it in a vivid and ‘correct’ way.

But sometimes I feel selfish.

Not that I don’t want to remember a moment, but that I want to be the only one to remember it.

I alone will know how I felt.
How the lighting was.
Who was there. Or not there.
What was happening.

I alone get to tell this story.
When someone asks.
And I choose to tell it.

I am able to fill in whatever details I chose to tell. You don’t get to know about it unless I choose to let you in and share with you a special moment that hardly anyone else does.

So I am selfish. Or one could say private in that sense.

But I do believe that some moments are better lived and remembered by one’s mind than by a photograph. I think it makes it more special. More private. And all the more important to me.


Because that is the fatal flaw of photography.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but a moment makes you speechless.

What's Your Dream?

Dreams are funny things. No, I’m talking about the ones you have when you fall asleep. I’m talking about those life long aspirations. That one thing you would do if nothing was holding you back. 

I think I lost mine for a while. 

I wanted to be a vet. 

Too much schooling and I found out that needles literally make me faint. 

I wanted to be a baker. 

I kind of grew out of that one. I didn’t like the idea of waking up at 3 in the morning and then also having to bake something other than cookies and brownies. Plus, I still cannot memorize recipes to this day. 

I wanted to be a photographer. 

My mom told me no. It’s not realistic and being an artist in this world is not financially sound. 

Forever, my dream was to go to college. 

Check. 

Then my dream was to study abroad in Ireland. 

Check. 

Then to graduate college. 

Check. I should also double check this for getting my honors degree as well. #nonhumblebrag #thatsucked #onlyforearlyclassenrollment 

Then I got sick. 

I’ve been on survival mode since then. Getting my health balanced. Getting a job that I’m pretty decent at. Volunteering for the young adult ministry. Getting my faith life balanced. Getting family and friends more balanced. 

I having really been dreaming all that much other than I know at some point I want to start a family. 

Though it hit me today. 

It reminds me of  my favorite book, The Alchemist. 

It talks about omens and how they are little nudges from God to help you know that you are going the right way to fulfill your ‘Personal Legend’ or dream. The main character has to learn to recognize omens and is encouraged to follow them. Later in the book, the boy explains omens to a chieftain. 

“Sometime during the fourth year, the omens will abandon you, because you’ve stopped listening to them.” 

I think I haven’t been really thinking about it because so much has been happening over the past couple years. 

Today I worked from home for a couple hours and then I went into the office for a photoshoot and for a meeting. My bosses are gone for a couple days to scoop out potential franchisees, so I was all on my own. I had a weird timeline when I was at the office because I had to make sure to drop off the Christmas cards, do the photoshoot before my 2:30 meeting. 

As I was leaving I reminisced that one of the favorite parts of my job was doing photoshoots. Even though it is literally just me, lights, pizza, and my camera with the store workers buzzing around behind the counter. I really enjoy looking up shots, making a shot list, and seeing everything come into fruition. Then spending a couple days editing and making the most tasty poster for the next month promotion. 

Then I went into a meeting a bit early and kind of blew it off. 

Later in the evening, I was going through the photos and just making a note of the ones that could work for the next month’s promotions. My friend came through the door, who I literally forgot was going to come over to pick up a letter and drop off some money to a roommate. We got to talking about my work and the recent shoot we did with her and her boyfriend for a coupon mailer going out at the end of December. 

I sent her copies off all of the photos because I was so appreciative of them agreeing to do the shoot. She said that she showed the photos to her parents(who are talented artists whom I admire) and she said they really loved them and they like how I capture moments. 

I feel like I keep having these little omens about photography. Even at our annual Christmas party,  new friend mentioned that she loved the photos that I post on Instagram(which is an odd conversation topic to just come out of nowhere). 

I’ve always loved photography. As I mentioned earlier, I was planning to become a photographer until I was turned off by what my mother said. So that’s why I went into marketing. Don’t get me wrong- I absolutely loved all of my marketing classes and the psychology intertwined in it, but I’ve had this weird knack for it. 

I took photojournalism classes in high school and I absolutely loved it. My teacher always tried to recruit me for the yearbook class, but I turned it down because I had other activities that took up my time( basically German club). 

For my senior project for high school, I basically just made a scrapbook of my entire year. Luckily, my family was in different stages in their lives, so I was able to capture a major scope of life. 

I think what did turn me off to photography was when I was selected as the photographer at St. Pauls during my junior year. I had to take photos of every event and everything that went on. It made me feel really disconnected and I honestly lost my passion. I felt like I wasn’t able to fully participate in the moment. I was capturing it, but I could only see the technical side of it. I lost the ability to have fun with the medium. 

I remember a talk I had with a friend who is a professional photographer/videographer. I told him that I was lost in my photography. He told me to just go out and shoot. Just for me. I really haven’t taken his advice until this past summer. 

I went out and did a long hike by myself and took a million photos. Then for my birthday, I took a couple friends out to the middle of nowhere and we just had a blast and took silly little videos that haven’t seen the light of day. 

I’ve started weird little photo series that only I know about or have categorized in my brain. One is cool- about where I bike around in town. One is kind of lame- it’s kind of like a where I’ve been series. I take photos of my legs in different places like when I was in Washington for a conference or an airport or at work or laying in my bed after experiencing some UC symptoms. I think it’s silly and interesting. 

I’m trying to get in the hang of simply going out and doing a photoshoot when I think it’s beautiful outside. We had this massive snowfall last week. It was nasty driving out to church, but I loved how the snow gleamed on the trees, so I decided to do a photoshoot. When I got home, one of my roommates was there, so I invited her out to go with me. It was just so awesome to capture nature’s beauty. And I had a lovely conversation with my roommate. 

I really love going out and taking pictures for my own enjoyment. There’s no pressure from a boss. I mean if I  photograph a person, they could not like how they look or how I captured them. But if they volunteered and there is no moolah on the line, then I don’t feel bad about it. I still think they are beautiful, even if they can’t see it through my photography. 

When I went to Content Marketing. World in September, one of the keynote speakers was National Geographic photographer Dewitt Jones. He was so inspiring. I feel like he embodied who I would want to be. (I mean not entirely. His instagram isn’t THAT impressive or at least his captions aren’t. I guess he is just a photographer and not a copywriter.)

I just love photography. I try to capture what I see. I think I see a lot of beautiful things and I want people to see it the way I do. Photography is the way that I am able to get my point across. I can’t draw worth a damn( literally glad that I can sketch pizzas with a simple circle) and my pottery was always subpar. 

It’s art. Yes, I am probably manipulating you to try to feel another way. I’ll change the color and shadows and some blemishes. Because I see such vivid color and contrasts and beauty. 

So that’s my dream.  

I just want to live my life and be able to show the beauty of everything I go through. Through the joys and the heartbreaks. I remember one of my favorite photos I took during my flower phase(if you don’t know what this is, don’t talk to me.) and it was of a rose that was dying. It was turn down to the ground and and about half brown and crinkled. But it still had so much residual beauty from when it was a sunset pink and orange. It’s a bittersweet. It’s the same reason that I find old people beautiful. Every crease and wrinkle has a story behind it. There is so much life that has been lived and a story to tell. It leaves you wanting more. 

I don’t know if I could actually do It  as a job. Right now I think I am content doing my pizza photos, family/friend portraits, and landscapes. I get to do it for me without input from anyone else. Then I am able to share what I want with the world without any expectations. It’s more pure to me that way. 

Maybe I’ll be one of those artists that becomes famous after I die because my grandkids will have me go viral on the hyper drive(it’s the thing that’s coming after the internet. Omg I can’t believe you haven’t heard of it.)

Or maybe an opportunity will come up that will change my mind. And I’ll photograph for Catholic Charities across the world. 

Only God knows. 

I’ll just keep dragging along my friends for impromptu photoshoots and having little adventures by myself. 

But I am the only one who gets to determine success in my dream. I think as long as I am still enjoying it and not getting lost behind the lens, then I am doing it right. Position titles and accolades have never been my goal anyway. I get to share my gift with those who matter to me, and I am happy with that. 

So moral of the story, I don’t know. My train of thought is lost. I’ve been writing this on and off for a couple hours. If you’ve gotten this far, kudos to you man. Or lady. 

HMU if you know someone who would want to pay me for pictures of my life. 

PS. Don’t do that. That’s creepy. And a bit stalkerish. Just settle with checking out my instagram or Pinterest page for photos. 

PS. I hope that you have a dream. If someone tells you it is silly, punch them in the face. Unless that person is your mom. yikes. That would be rude. Don’t be rude. If that is your dream take a note from Rapunzel- that is a stupid dream and you should get a new one.

PPS You’re not stupid. Just your dream is. 

PPPS You can’t fix stupid. So I’m sorry ‘bout that. 

PPPPS At least God still loves you. :* 

What is a Significant Life?

I was thinking about the purpose of life and batting around different options.

Power? Seems pretty dependent on being born into the right circumstances. Also, good and bad people gain power.

Sex? Too biological and simple minded. There is so much more to experience, see, and learn to have the pinnacle of existence just be sex.

Then I remembered a paper I wrote and gave a presentation on for my Honors Last Lecture Seminar during my senior year of college. To be fair it-doesn't really talk about the purpose of life, but more so how does one know if they are leading a significant life. 

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“I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end…Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone,” (Merton). One aspect in Thomas Merton’s “Thoughts in Solitude” prayer highlights the importance of belonging and a sense of connection, so we know we aren’t alone in the world. This idea conceptualizes what pushed me to find avenues and places to share my ideas and meet new people. Boise State University has given me the opportunity to learn from and with my peers as the world grew and expanded in front of our eyes through shared experiences and different opinions. I have experienced the beautiful coming together of people and ideas during my time at college. These experiences have helped me see the importance of leading a significant life.

Leading a significant life is a mixture of internally working towards that goal of trying to have a meaningful life and the external impact you have on your community whomever that ends of being. Community is a crucial part because it allows you to be fully known and interact with society. Through that connectivity you are able to formulate your identity and be true to yourself, which leads you to being true and honest to others. I think people get caught up in leading false lives to keep up an image or not to disrupt another’s happiness. However, we all forget that every person has a special gift or passion, ourselves included. You just need to take what you are given and do something with it. So we don’t need to worry about what other people think because they are too caught up in their own world to be focused on yours. Gary Badcock in ‘Choosing’ says that, “We cannot choose well for the future without a sense of identity in the present and without a realistic sense of what we may become,” (Badcock). Badcock explains that we cannot choose without a sense of self-awareness and identity in the present. We need to be real with who we are and share our unique thoughts and ideas with others, and that will be a component to help us reach our full potential.

My friends that I have accumulated over the years have definitively influenced and expanded my world views. They are from a variety of backgrounds and come from all over the world. I am able to learn so much from talking with them and listening to their opinions. Growing up, I assumed people probably had around the same life experiences as I did because it’s all I knew. My friends have opened my eyes to the real issues out there. I had no idea the struggles people go through on a daily basis. I’ve helped my friends through break ups, deaths of friends, and extreme allergic reactions. These have been valuable learning experiences to me, even though they were very difficult at the time. They have also shown me that I am not alone in my way of thinking and that I am normal by being weird. This connection with my friends is part of what can be pulled out of Merton’s prayer. The sense of belonging and craving to not be alone motivated me to find communities of friends that share my point of view and help expose me to new ideas. My experiences in college have allowed me to help people other than myself and give back to the communities that have helped shape me into who I am today.

The clubs I have partaken in have affected how I see myself and how I fit into the world. In Team helped me see how I can have some input into bigger events in the campus, even if we were used mostly as a think tank and event volunteers. Being a site leader for Service Saturday showed me how little parts of service can positively influence something bigger than myself. Once I lead a group of fraternity brothers, and all we did was help paint part of a hallway for the Good Samaritan House. It’s crazy how much joy and relief such a small task can bring. I have found that what makes me feel like I am leading a significant life is giving back to society to make the world a little less of a terrible place.

College has thrown me into uncomfortable and unfamiliar situations that I hated at the time; however, I learned and grew the best in those situations. Now I seek new opportunities and experiences because I know that they will ultimately turn out to be great learning experiences. I forced myself to join the church choir in freshman year, which helped me grow more in my faith and start building my community at St. Paul’s Catholic Student Center. I have done more group projects than I can count, and have learned not to hate them as much as I did back in high school. I took a leadership and management course in my junior year, and my professor changed my perspective of group projects. He made me realize that while having a group of your friends will make you more comfortable, a group full of diverse perspectives and backgrounds will lead to a better end result even though it could take longer to reach that end goal. I use a lot of what I learned in that class in projects since, and it has helped me realize the importance of going outside of your comfort zone and working with other people because they have a vast amount of knowledge and experiences that I simply don’t have.

The College of Business and Economics has shaped how I view the world and analyze what is going on. I always catch myself using supply and demand to rationalize a point, or understand how a certain move was beneficial for a person or business in the long run. Even in a meeting for Bronco Catholic before the semester started, we were going over our goals for our organization and we got on the topic of our target audience. I was so excited! Hardly anyone else could get a word in, or if they did I had a quick rebuttal to why or why not their point was valid. 

I was able to spend a semester abroad and attend the University College of Cork in Ireland. I took amazing marketing courses there that really challenged me to think critically about the current marketing environment and how it is different internationally. My Social Media Marketing and Communications professor there impacted how I think about communicating to consumers and how a lot of companies are doing it wrong. He wanted us to see how marketing is used out in the world now. He challenged us to go out and do it better, but not for the monetary aspect (as several of my previous professors have joked about) but to actually suit consumer needs and get products to consumers that could benefit them. This professor helped reinforce my belief that it is possible to lead a career in marketing with integrity.

I used to think that what I do in my time in Idaho is not going to impact the world at large. That the little decisions I make are not life changing and won’t really influence people. However, you can never know what impact you have. My professor back in Ireland probably won’t know that his impact has reached as far as Idaho, but his teachings will have a ripple effect now through my actions, what I chose to do, and the others I interact with. People are always coming and going out of my communities and it’s impossible to know what they’ll take with them when they go. I hope that what they take forms them into a better person and helps improve society.

College has helped me set the foundation for future generations who come after me, and those continuing to be a part of Bronco Catholic. I have the honor of being the president and events coordinator this year, and have done a variety of tasks over the past four years. I have been a part of a dynamic team that pushes me to grow as a leader and encourages me to improve as a person. In five years from now, all of my friends will have graduated and I’m sure most of the staff I know will move on to greener pastures. I doubt anyone will really know who I am when I visit the campus and my old stomping grounds, but I am content knowing that I have made a positive impact on the campus and community while I have been here. I have helped students find their home in our odd little community and made them feel accepted for who they are.

This little community at St. Paul’s Catholic Student Center has strengthened my faith and helped me realize that I have and will continue to rely on my faith for my entire life. Annie Dillard explains this intense commitment best in ‘Living Like a Weasel’ where she retells a story about how a man once found a weasel skull firmly attached to the neck of an eagle he shot. The weasel made sure he didn’t let go of the bird even if it did mean he would die still attached to the eagle. In my life, my faith has always been a necessity that I hang onto through all of my experiences, and I am deeply committed to it. My community at Bronco Catholic has enabled me to grow in my faith and help others in their journey as well.

I used to think that my faith was a solitary activity, and I adamantly avoided talking about anything religious to anyone. My peers all through middle school and high school, who were mostly Mormon, would be legitimately surprised to find out that I was Catholic. My faith community has shown me the importance of fully accepting my identity and not worrying about the opinions of others. My faith is an integral part of who I am and it has given me strength and peace to be the best version of myself. In Merton’s prayer he says, “I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.” Merton confides in his prayer that he doesn’t know what the future holds, but he is certain that God will be his stronghold through all of his trials. No matter the hardships I have faced in college or will face in the future, I have peace knowing that it will all be okay.

I finally grasped that I was ready to graduate after my priest and mentor went out of his way to help me network for future job opportunities after I graduate. It made me realize that the time I have spent at Boise State has helped me build up my future. The communities I have been a part of and helped grow have been developing me up to something greater. What exactly, I have no idea. I think that’s okay. Some people know exactly what they want to do from when they are a child; however, the rest of us have to follow our heart and make incremental steps and see where that takes us. I don’t think we are supposed to know what we are going to do with our lives right now. Over time our desires change depending on our life circumstances and experiences, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. These communities that I have been apart of during my time in college have added to my invisible network that connects different parts of my life and enabled me to be more confident in what my future holds. Since I am graduating in the spring, I know that my network is important, and will continue to evolve as I get a new job or move to a new city.

Really my college experience boils down to how I am going to tell my story after I have left. Even now I have romanticized my classes and everything I have been through. I will justify the choices I have made or at least try to rationalize why I tried them in the first place. Robert Frost told it best when he wrote, “ Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-/ I took the one less traveled by,/ and that has made all the difference.” Frost’s “The Road Not Taken” retells a story about how the author was at a crossroads, and had to make a choice of where to go even though the paths were practically identical. This poem exemplifies how you tell your story after you make a decision. Frost makes his choice seem better in the stories he tells about it, and justifies the choice he made by making it seem like it has had a large impact on his life. No matter the experiences I have had; I will always stick by my choices and decisions with all of the justifications I can muster. From his story he is able to craft the identity he wants to present to his audience. I’m sure my story has glossed over some of the harder times, and highlighted the parts I want you to know about who I think I am. My college experience has helped craft my identity, but only a small fraction is able to come across.

College has shifted and expanded my worldview through the education I have received, the clubs I have taken part in, and the friends that have been by my side. These connections have influenced my life, and I don’t know where I would be without the support from my friends and mentors. All I can hope is that I continue to try to live my life full of meaning and purposeful decisions that leave at least a small shadow of a positive impact on other people and society.

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What do you think it means to lead a significant life?

What are your opinions on the purpose of life?

What about when you add in more faith and religion into the equation?

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Works Cited


Schwehn, Mark R., and Dorothy C. Bass. "Choosing." Leading Lives That Matter: What We Should Do and Who We Should Be. Grand Rapids, MI: W.B. Eerdmans Pub., 2006. 101-07. Print.

Schwehn, Mark R., and Dorothy C. Bass. "Living Like Weasels." Leading Lives That Matter: What We Should Do and Who We Should Be. Grand Rapids, MI: W.B. Eerdmans Pub., 2006. 298-301. Print.

Schwehn, Mark R., and Dorothy C. Bass. "The Road Not Taken." Leading Lives That Matter: What We Should Do and Who We Should Be. Grand Rapids, MI: W.B. Eerdmans Pub., 2006. 458-59. Print.

Schwehn, Mark R., and Dorothy C. Bass. "Thoughts in Solitude." Leading Lives That Matter: What We Should Do and Who We Should Be. Grand Rapids, MI: W.B. Eerdmans Pub., 2006. 450. Print.

To the Vermont House

 I'm just glad that walls can't talk.

Actually I wish they could -- then you could tell everyone how great my dance skills are when no one is around.

We never did figure out a swanky nickname for you, huh? I think you meant so much to us that we couldn't encapsulate you in a single word.

You fell into our laps and the exact right time that we all needed.

It took you a couple months to really warm up to us. It's weird how that all started with the spark of an opening heart.

Honestly, I fell in love with you at first sight and you continued to grow on me ever since. Even with your awkward light switches, random steps, and sloping ceilings. You really were perfect for us.

You let us have our space. You let us come together. You let others have a home here too.

You've truly seen it all this past year. The good-bad-ugly-and just plain bizarre.

I think I'll remember you as the Healing House. I think we were all a bit broken when we started out or we broke in different places while we were with you. You allowed us to be safe and helped nurse us back to health.

For that I will always be grateful.

No matter what, it will always be Between Me & My Friends.

One Year Anniversary!

Happy one year anniversary to my dearest colon!!
🎊🎉🎉

I figured I would celebrate because you know that old saying about loving your enemies!....You know...Since my colon basically attacks itself...yeah...I laughed.....



It has been a year since I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis.

It's weird how something that was once so shocking is now just a part of me like my nose.

I remember sitting in the hospital bed when the doctor came in and gave me my diagnosis. It was the second time I had been in the hospital that week. Earlier I was in for a CT scan because I had intense abdominal pain in addition to a lot of other gross symptoms. They sent me home and told me to schedule a colonoscopy ASAP. I did and the symptoms didn't get any better, so my mom took me back to the hospital where I was officially admitted.

The doctor came in, said something about test results, and that I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. Then my ears turned off.

Wait.

There's something wrong with me?

"It's a chronic illness....treatments..."

Wait. 

Ulcerative Colitis?

My mom mentioned that she has a friend of a friend who has Crohn's. "Thank God it's not Crohn's!"

Wait. 

How?

"There's no known cause..."

Wait. 

I remember saying Ulcerative Colitis over and over again in my mind for days.

You know when you say a word over and over again and it loses all meaning and it just starts to sound like a weird made up noise?

This was the opposite.

These two words that I had never heard of before were now attached to me. Forever.

Ulcerative Colitis.

I couldn't bear to look into the details on the pamphlets they gave me while I was in the hospital, so I opted to finding memes. I needed something to stop my urge to cry out.

Some of my favorites where:

-They say always to "trust your gut". Have you met my gut? You don't want to trust that bastard.
-Yes? Hello. I'd like a refund on my body. It's kind of defective and really expensive.
-I'm too busy fighting my own immune system to deal with your judgmental BS.

While I was in the hospital, I felt like my Ulcerative Colitis defined me. Which is fair. I was an IBD (inflammatory bowel disease) flare patient on a post surgery recovery floor. It defined my treatment. It defined my diet. It was defining how people treated me.

Talk about a hostile takeover.

Women in my IBD support groups say that a flare is much more painful than childbirth to put it into perspective. I was in my flare starting about mid-April through July in 2017. (Thankfully, I was started on pain meds in June).

It feels weird to say that I'm in a good place about it now because it has been such a long road. Recovery was hard for several months. Treatment and medications were difficult as well. I actually lost a lot of hair for the first three months because the chemo treatment was really hard on my body. It finally started growing back around October, so that's been fun. I have had two haircuts since then and each time I have gotten the same hairdresser. She likes to point out how much it has grown.

I've really been able to come to terms with my Ulcerative Colitis. I accept it as a part of myself, but I am not defining myself by my illness. I like being able to contribute to my support groups and give people advice about going into a colonoscopy or starting Remicaid (the chemo) for the first time. I try not to let my thoughts only pertain to my IBD.

That doesn't mean it still doesn't freak me out sometimes. I've had countless nights where I've cried myself to sleep about it because I could have a flare happen at anytime really. I'm on meds that are supposed to keep me in remission, but UC affects everyone differently. And the meds could stop working at anytime. That's one of the reasons the nurses check up on me so often while I am getting my Remicaid infusions. They have to see if I am developing any new symptoms. Even when I got my February infusion, my veins in my left arm started aching, so I had to get a hot pack tied to my arm.

I was officially in remission since the beginning of last December, but it still affects me. I have to keep taking my immunosuppressants. I have to keep going to my Remicaid infusions once every two months. I have to be mindful of what I eat and what alcohol I drink. I still get worried every time I get period cramps because those aches remind me of my flare. I actual started having another flare a couple of weeks ago. Which has led to me going back to the low residue diet I was on last summer(basically no fruits or veggies).

It's weird because we always knew it was a matter of when than if. It's interesting that it has come around at this time because I've been drafting this post for a couple of months actually, so I had been mulling about what I wish I would have known or if I could go back and tell myself something. "You're going to be okay" seemed too lame and cliche. Any remarks about what I would accomplish within the next year wouldn't have helped me at all. I decided that I wish I would have told myself. " You are stronger than you know."



I try to stay updated on research and articles to try to understand what my body is doing and how my Ulcerative Colitis works. I also read articles about new medicines that are coming onto the market and different research that is looking into the possible causes of IBD (the latest I saw was a chemical that was commonly used in hand sanitizer up until 2016). It is interesting how my worldwide has expanded. I never really knew or heard about chronic illnesses or chronic pain or truly understood autoimmune diseases until last year. It's a whole different subculture of experiences that a surprising amount of people go through everyday.

I'm slowly working on building awareness of Crohn's and Colitis with my friends and family. When I do this, I am not looking for sympathy or to gain attention to myself. I am trying to bring to light issues that most people don't know about or are too ashamed of to have a conversation about it. 

As hard as this past year has been, I really wouldn't change it. I've learned who my true friends are, and I have gotten closer to my family. I have an amazing job and coworkers. I have met a bunch of new people. I gotten closer to Christ and helped lead others closer to him as well. I really can't complain. We all have our own crosses we carry through our lives. Ulcerative Colitis is just one of mine. 

The Difference In a Year

Graduation is all about change. I could take on and on about the changes that have happened over the past year(I actually have. If you want to listen to it, go to https://soundcloud.com/firepit-ministry/working-through-the-numbness-a-story-of-awakening-1). Having a chronic illness makes you realize what is truly important. I place a high value on all of my relationships and the people I chose to have in my life and the people who chose to have me in theirs.

On a broader sense, what is important is how you respond to the change you are going to face as you move forward.

Plans change. Jobs fall through. Illnesses occur. Babies get born. You learn to build yourself from the ground up. For me the most important thing has been laying a foundation of faith and relationship with God. Luckily, I have had years of faith formation that started with my family, high school youth group, and being involved with Bronco Catholic.

Again, it really took a slap in the face to realize that you don't have to be doing everything to still lead a meaningful life. I had to out out working certain places and cut out different faith ministries that I wasn't getting any joy from(I just felt like I had to participate because I technically had the time to go to it). I had to find my balance.

It's amazing how freeing it is to finally feel like all the different aspects of your life are in balance. I have a good grip on my work and I make sure to turn off my work brain after I clock out. I try to go to daily mass twice a week, have adoration once a week, and go to Sunday mass. Some weeks I leave open my Thursdays to have a drink with my coworkers. Every other week I meet up with my prayer group from the First Spiritual Exercises and we catch up and grow in our faith together. I continue to go to Theology on Taps and am now the Communications Director for FirePit ministry(http://firepit-ministry.com/).

I know a bunch of seniors that are graduating this year -Monica, Janelle, Emily, Ian- I am so proud to first of all call you my friends. You have all helped me grow so much and I am awed by what amazing, spiritual people you all are. You have helped me through the rough times and you have celebrated with me during the good times ( and I with you). You are all great examples of what it means to be a friend and a follower of Christ. I advise you to continue to follow your heart and pray that you will be able to follow God's will to wherever he will take you. I know that you will all go on to accomplish amazing things. You already have at your short time at college, so you can't even imagine what God is going to do with your life going forward.


It's impossible to be ready for what God is going to do in your life, but you can be open to the goodness and grace he has in store for you if you just keep your faith. 

The End of a Journal...

Today, I finished writing in the last page of my journal. This is the first journal I have ever fully completed.

Prominently on the front of my journal is the phrase, "Adventure Awaits". Oh boy. When I started this journal, I had no idea what adventures awaited me in the coming two and a half years.

I got this journal with the intention of filling it with all of my study abroad escapades. The castles to be discovered- the languages learned- the people I met. Of course, I do have all of my Irish adventures nicely chronicled. However, that semester in a foreign land only took up half of my notebook. It wasn't until seven months later when I would pick up writing in this journal for a different reason.

I started writing on August 29, 2015. I remember finally arriving at my sister's flat in Oxford and settling into my room after staying up watching Rush Hour to combat jet lag.

It's interesting to look back and see exactly how I felt about all of the new experiences and new places I was seeing. I like being able to have a physical memory of what happened and where I was on a certain day and who was there. I love seeing who I shared my time with and what my first impressions were of everyone.

It's amazing to basically have an autobiography of a time of my life that I believe was integral of helping me become the person I am.

However, and I've mentioned this to people before, my faith life had never been so dry as when I was in Ireland. Catholicism is engrained in the culture and architecture, but to actually feel alive in your faith and community is rare in the communities I was apart of. I was lucky to have a very religious roommate who would go to church with me, have the occasional religious debate, and eventually teach me about how cool Jesuits really were.

I put my faith on the back burner, and it was only when I came back into the states that I realized how important it was to integrate faith back into my life. I have a break in my journal during this time. I did take my position as a photographer SCM, so I had to go to all of the events. Then I also joined my first ever bible study that was lead by our first Jesuit novice, Peter.

When I did pick up my journal again, it was July 28, 2016. I labeled this entry as, "The start of a Prayer Journal". I also have the code to the perpetual adoration chapel scribbled in the margin. I never knew that there was such a thing as perpetual adoration. My only experience of adoration before was during retreats such as ICYC with a thousand other young Catholics or when my mom would drag me out of bed to go with her to the chapel in the morning(when I didn't pretend to be asleep).

I remember the ordeal of going to the adoration chapel for the first time. 1. I didn't know where it was. 2. I had to ask two different people where it was. 3. When I actually got into the chapel, I didn't know to open the tabernacle. So I had an awkward moment when an old lady came in later, gave me a weird look, opened the tabernacle doors, and went to go sit down.

Here's my first entry of my prayer journal:

God, I have never felt so lost.

How am I supposed to know what is happening in the hearts of others? How are you working in them? How are to play a role in my life? I believe that you place people in our lives for specific reasons. To help us. To hurt us. To teach us. To love us. I wish I was better at being able to decipher the signs to know how the people in my life are going to help me in the life you have given me. 

I feel so lost. I don't feel abandoned, but I feel like I am working on a puzzle and you know exactly how to solve it and you are just waiting for me to figure it out because you know it's best that way. 

I am so scared that I'm going to get it wrong. 

I think I have been forgetting to pray about Peace. Or that I have been looking for Peace in the wrong places/people instead of looking for Peace in you. I have been trying to validate myself in others that seeing my flaws and strengths as a reflection of you. 

Sometimes I feel like I am so alone. I have been trying to find peace in who I am through other people. However, that is incomplete peace. 

One time when I experienced complete peace was when I visited the Galway Cathedral. I was completely in love with who I was, where God was taking me, and knew that God wanted me to experience these things. 

I don't know if I have truly been at peace at all this year. I have been happy, yes, but I have been at peace with anything. 2016 started with me getting back to the states, moving across the state, starting new classes, trying to fit back in at St Pauls, juggling two internships, and wedding road trips. Then this summer has been trying to find joy in the monotony and putting a lot of effort into my friendships. 

Don't get me wrong - I am completely in love with my life. I think I have been focusing on the wrong things. 

I have loved being able to capture my adventures in faith in the second half of my journal. I am able to see my struggles and joys. One thing we talk about in my prayer group a lot is that it is easier to see the hand of God when you look back. You are able to see how everything you went through lead you to where you are today.

One thing I started doing in the second half as well was taking notes during bible studies and talks or commenting about different bible passages I read. I also like to write down things my prayer group say that speak to my heart.

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. Be more open and pay attention to your feelings. You know that you can pull over and breathe. 

Let go and put GOD in the center

Is God's dream for you
1. What you are?
2. WHO you are? <3 

Hell is the difference between choosing to love the self vs to love God. 

As a Catholic, I believe that we are all made in the image and likeness of God. So I am able to notice a glimmer of God's goodness and love through other people and I believe that God speaks to me through other people. I love being able to see how my faith life integrates with the rest of my life.

As a contrast from where I started in my prayer journal, here is part of an entry I wrote on February 19, 2018:

Dear God, 
     Am I on the right path? If I am - please keep encouraging me. If I am not - please disrupt me and help me right my wrongs. 

Please help me continue to discern where my heart is and discover my true motivations. Help me become more attentive to Your path and do Good with my life and my actions. 

As important as it is to record your adventures, I think being able to see my life through my faith lens helps me understand how I want to live my life in the future and how everything I do fits into pursuing God's willing and helping others do so as well.

But What Do You Do?

I have luckily been the Marketing Director for Westside Pizza for about five months now. I really love my job and I actually enjoy going into work during the week. I love talking about how awesome my job is which includes highlights of playing darts with my hilarious bosses and doing photoshoots with pizza. As much as people know that my job is "a good job" they have no idea what a marketing director does.

People ask what I do on a day to day basis; however, my job isn't a typical 9-5. I should start off with saying that I don't work on Mondays and our work day start at 10. Yes. You are allowed to feel jealous. :P 

On Tuesdays, we have our group meeting. I meet with my bosses and we talk about how our projects are doing and what needs to get done this week. After our meeting we work for a couple hours and then we have a dart tournament to see who gets to pick where we get to eat for our weekly office lunch. 

Now the actual work bit. 

First, I clock into work. Then I check the social media accounts and see if I need to respond to anything or put out new content. I respond to emails about menu proofs or questions from franchisees or sales people.

Next, I get to work on whatever project I have going on. The project depends on where we are in our promotion cycle. If a new promotion is coming up, my day consists of a lot of planning, graphic design, photography, designing emails. 

When I am done with the next promotion, I have time to work on other projects! That can range from fixing something on our website to creating TV menu slides to compiling a marketing report to
editing footage. I was working on upgrading our app for the past several months, which included getting certain rights and certificates and now we're on to the next to continue to improve and help our consumers. I have also been working on a project to help my bosses rate how our franchisees are doing. I have worked on several internal projects to help certain aspects run smoother. I help with the set up of new locations with regards to setting up their Facebook, Website, Menu, and App. 

At the end the month I go over reports with my boss to see how our promotions are doing and we analysis the effectiveness of what we are doing.

I am also continually seeking out new marketing opportunities for us to try out. I think this is one of the hardest parts of my job because you can't tell if something is going to work until after you try it. So we could be throwing our money down a drain and not know it until months later. 

2017

2017 was quite the rollercoaster of a year.

I graduated from Boise State University in May with my BBA in Marketing with Distinguished Honors from the Honor's College. I was also recognized as the Outstanding Marketing Graduate from the College of Business and Economics.

Shortly after I graduated, I was admitted to the hospital for two weeks where I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, which is an autoimmune disease that currently doesn't have a cure. I found out at the beginning of December that I currently don't have any active disease, which is the best thing I could have hoped for!

I started working at Westside Pizza this fall as the new Marketing Director. So I get to take a lot of photos of pizza and play a lot of darts with my bosses.

My family grew by two more members this year! My sister Gabby had a son, Elliott, in April, and my sister Bizz had a son, Beckett, in August. Gabby asked me to be Elliott's Godmother, and he was baptized in October! Also my best friend, Claire, had her first son a couple months ago!

I think it has been a great year.

I am thankful for everything that has happened. I think I am even the most thankful for my chronic illness even though it has been a difficult journey. It has helped show me who and what is important in my life. I know that my friends truly care about my well being. My friends and family mean the world to me because they make me forget about my illness and let me be a normal person. I also know that they are able to help be when I have to get another infusion or write me a funny card when I have to get a colonoscopy. I don't know how they do it, but when I am going through a rough time, they are able to make a little joke about it and makes me realize yet again how thankful I am to have people in my life who try to make me smile if even for a moment.

So, thank you for every smile and joke and laugh. These are the moments I live for.

Thank you for continuing to push me to be the best version of myself.
Thank you for believing in my potential.
Thank you for pulling me out of my problems and into a tea party.
Thank you for the nights that turned into mornings.
Thank you for the road trips and sing a longs.
Thank you for teaching me how to dance, to skateboard, and to do a magic trick.
Thank you for the nights spent sitting on the kitchen counters laughing.
Thank you for taking the time to listen and be there for me during the difficult moments.
Thank you for bringing peace when there was so much chaos.
Thank you for investing time no matter how much or how little.
Thank you for reaching out when I forget or get to caught up in my own world.
Thank you for believing in me.
Thank you for helping me realize that work isn't everything, and it's good to get out of my office and play a couple games of darts.
Thank you for all of the new babies because that means I get to love more amazing people!
Thank you for choosing me to be a Godmother to my adorable nephew.
Thank you for smashing pumpkins and going on random errands with me.
Thank you for surprising me and being able to catch up after many years.
Thank you for the silly Snapchats.
Thank you for taking the time to visit me!
Thank you for your music.
Thank you for the study sessions and late night party planning.
Thank you for the flowers and notes.
Thank you for the happy hours, movie nights, and game tournaments.
Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for turning me down from the market research position because I love my job!
Thank you for the 'safe space' talks.
Thank you for giving up time to make sure that I'm healthy.
Thank you for trusting my crazy, insane, fun ideas.
Thank you for your vulnerability.
Thank you for the warm hugs and even the awkward hugs.
Thank you for being my partner in crime.
Thank you for being there to celebrate my successes.
Thank you for the bike rides, runs. and star gazing.
Thank you for helping me make our house a home.
Thank you for sharing a part of your world with me.

Thank you to all of my amazing friends and family that have been a part of my life this past year! I am so grateful for each and every one of you! I know that 2018 is going to be a great year since I have you all.